keeping my head above water is i guess all i'm really trying to do now. to avoid completely falling apart. to have one day of normal eating.
today was ok, although affected by a huge binge yesterday night so i wasn't hungry most of the day. though i ate dinner - late at night too, which is a huge thing for me! - and i don't (as of right now) feel any binge tendencies.
my intake therapist called and i'll probably have a therapist by next week. thank god too. because i need some grounding.
i'm on some sort of stream of consciousness thing right now and i don't even really know what i'm thinking. my brain is pretty much mush right now. end of the week - tons of work, tons of stress.
so this guy that i like to call my oaoa (on again off again) totally stood me up tonight. we were supposed to get together for drinks (i called him yesterday after telling myself i wouldn't be the one to call him, i'd see if he ever called me..) and he told me to give him a ring when i was done for the day. so i did. three or four times. he didn't pick up, didn't call back. i think i need to delete him from my phone. he has always been more important to me and in my life than i have been to him. the relationship has never been equal. i knew this from the get go, but told myself i wouldn't get attached. until i did. and i've known for a while now that i should just end things. but i haven't. so now i think i really just need to take the number out of my phone. i can't keep having someone around that continuously makes me feel like shit.
enough about relationships. enough about guys. it's gotta start being about me now. i have to stop dealing with issues with other people, guys, friends, school, and just deal with me. if only i could just delete everything else for a hot minute and deal with me. fix my problems, fix me.
27 September 2007
25 September 2007
terrified to succeed
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
-Marianne Williamson
i feel like this quote pretty much sums up my life. well, at least that third sentence. "who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" i am so terrified to being in the open, of being noticed, of being successful beyond measure that, more often than not, i sabotage my own success. i binge until i can't move, numbing out the possibility of any rational thought. i am so obsessed with body image and how i look and what i have eaten - it must be occupying at least 95% of my conscious thought!
instead of enabling my own success and trusting that i was "born to manifest the glory of God" or whatever higher power or spirit or soul that is within me, i enable only the part of me that wants to bring me down. the part that is terrified to succeed. because ultimately, success means you have something to lose. with every step higher you climb, that's just one more step further you could possibly fall.
i am at a point in my life where i have climbed really high. i'm finishing up school, writing my thesis, getting ready to graduate and to try to find a real job (make some money instead of just spending it all!) but not only that, i weigh less now than i have since i was probably about 14 years old. maybe even younger. over the past year i've lost about 50lbs and i like what i weigh. i'm happy(er) when i look in the mirror. i am glad to be able to go shopping and fit into clothes properly.
i am terrified of fucking it all up.
now that i weigh what is arguable an "ideal" weight for me, i feel like my disordered eating is rearing it's ugly head more than ever. i binge uncontrollably and freak out about ruining everything. i'm constantly paranoid that one extra bite of whatever it is i'm eating will make me instantly go back to weighing what i used to. ok, well i'm not that dumb, but i'm terrified that this is completely impermanent and that sooner or later i will step on the scale, realize that i lost track of things, and weigh again 50lbs more.
this is not necessarily a ridiculous line of thinking. yes, if i continue to binge and continue to eat way more than i should, i will gain weight. but that does not mean that i have to starve myself to make up for extra calories. nor does it mean that my entire life has to be devoted to thinking about what i ate, what i will eat, what i want to eat, what i can't eat, what i should eat, what i would eat ad nauseum infinae.
school deserves more thought than that. my social life deserves more thought than that, for god's sake a rock lying on the side of the road deserves more than that. i am torturing myself with this and i've had enough.
i wish i could say i'm getting better, but i just don't see it. i don't know exactly how i lost all the weight that i did, but the consequences are so bipolar it's unbelievable. who am i not to live up to all the potential i have?? who am i not to be brilliant and gorgeous and talented and fabulous??? these things do not preclude failures in my life and yes, failure hurts. but if i don't set myself up for failure and sabotage everything i do, at least then i have the chance to succeed. at least then, there's the possibility (no matter how slim) that i won't fail.
-Marianne Williamson
i feel like this quote pretty much sums up my life. well, at least that third sentence. "who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" i am so terrified to being in the open, of being noticed, of being successful beyond measure that, more often than not, i sabotage my own success. i binge until i can't move, numbing out the possibility of any rational thought. i am so obsessed with body image and how i look and what i have eaten - it must be occupying at least 95% of my conscious thought!
instead of enabling my own success and trusting that i was "born to manifest the glory of God" or whatever higher power or spirit or soul that is within me, i enable only the part of me that wants to bring me down. the part that is terrified to succeed. because ultimately, success means you have something to lose. with every step higher you climb, that's just one more step further you could possibly fall.
i am at a point in my life where i have climbed really high. i'm finishing up school, writing my thesis, getting ready to graduate and to try to find a real job (make some money instead of just spending it all!) but not only that, i weigh less now than i have since i was probably about 14 years old. maybe even younger. over the past year i've lost about 50lbs and i like what i weigh. i'm happy(er) when i look in the mirror. i am glad to be able to go shopping and fit into clothes properly.
i am terrified of fucking it all up.
now that i weigh what is arguable an "ideal" weight for me, i feel like my disordered eating is rearing it's ugly head more than ever. i binge uncontrollably and freak out about ruining everything. i'm constantly paranoid that one extra bite of whatever it is i'm eating will make me instantly go back to weighing what i used to. ok, well i'm not that dumb, but i'm terrified that this is completely impermanent and that sooner or later i will step on the scale, realize that i lost track of things, and weigh again 50lbs more.
this is not necessarily a ridiculous line of thinking. yes, if i continue to binge and continue to eat way more than i should, i will gain weight. but that does not mean that i have to starve myself to make up for extra calories. nor does it mean that my entire life has to be devoted to thinking about what i ate, what i will eat, what i want to eat, what i can't eat, what i should eat, what i would eat ad nauseum infinae.
school deserves more thought than that. my social life deserves more thought than that, for god's sake a rock lying on the side of the road deserves more than that. i am torturing myself with this and i've had enough.
i wish i could say i'm getting better, but i just don't see it. i don't know exactly how i lost all the weight that i did, but the consequences are so bipolar it's unbelievable. who am i not to live up to all the potential i have?? who am i not to be brilliant and gorgeous and talented and fabulous??? these things do not preclude failures in my life and yes, failure hurts. but if i don't set myself up for failure and sabotage everything i do, at least then i have the chance to succeed. at least then, there's the possibility (no matter how slim) that i won't fail.
24 September 2007
the availability of desire
if i were to live in the middle of the jungle, i know for sure i would never crave starbucks coffee, or tasty delite, or dunkin donuts, or chocomochalattéfrapawhatever. and when i lived in dakar, none of that really was missing in my life. when i lived in marseille, it wasn't either.
somehow, as soon as i move back to the good ol' states, all these desires come back. just walking around manhattan today, i passed starbucks (three times), spacemarket, oren's, think coffee, and a slew of other places where one could buy coffee. i didn't want coffee. but somehow i ended up with a 16oz hazelnut coffee with milk and i don't know why. constantly surrounded and bombarded by all the possibilities of things to consume: food, clothes, shoes, food, food, food... what's a girl to do?
so i tell myself i don't want it, and don't need it and that it won't fix or change or help anything. and it becomes a forbidden fruit. walking around in the midst of everything i can't have. tell myself i don't want. and suddently i find myself bingeing beyond belief at my apartment when i'm supposed to be doing work. (that never-diminishing pile of work..)
what has my life become???
somehow, as soon as i move back to the good ol' states, all these desires come back. just walking around manhattan today, i passed starbucks (three times), spacemarket, oren's, think coffee, and a slew of other places where one could buy coffee. i didn't want coffee. but somehow i ended up with a 16oz hazelnut coffee with milk and i don't know why. constantly surrounded and bombarded by all the possibilities of things to consume: food, clothes, shoes, food, food, food... what's a girl to do?
so i tell myself i don't want it, and don't need it and that it won't fix or change or help anything. and it becomes a forbidden fruit. walking around in the midst of everything i can't have. tell myself i don't want. and suddently i find myself bingeing beyond belief at my apartment when i'm supposed to be doing work. (that never-diminishing pile of work..)
what has my life become???
19 September 2007
wading through water
sometimes i feel like things will never get easier. like i will be stuck like this somehow for the rest of my life. today has been really difficult for me. between counting calories at breakfast and then going to the gym (which i had previously planned to do) and having it turn into a calorie-negating project rather than just a workout. breakfast wasn't a binge, per se, but i could feel it coming on. and i was able to view it objectively and stop myself, which is something i am rarely able to do, but i just feel like i'm in a really precarious place right now.
went out to lunch with friends and ordered something that didn't fill me up, so now i'm still hungry after having spend like 11 dollars on lunch, and i don't know what to do. like i said, i feel like i'm in a really precarious place.
i guess all this is just to check in and get my thoughts down on paper (or on the screen..) as a way of self-therapizing. i'll write more later, but i have work to do right now. and possibly have to find something to eat...
went out to lunch with friends and ordered something that didn't fill me up, so now i'm still hungry after having spend like 11 dollars on lunch, and i don't know what to do. like i said, i feel like i'm in a really precarious place.
i guess all this is just to check in and get my thoughts down on paper (or on the screen..) as a way of self-therapizing. i'll write more later, but i have work to do right now. and possibly have to find something to eat...
18 September 2007
tuesdays suck.
not all tuesdays. pretty much just tuesdays when i'm depressed and cold because the weather is changing and i feel like i can't get out of my head.
in the end it's nothing specific to a tuesday, just today. yesterday felt like a vacation from myself and today feels like a return to reality. i'm trapped in this prison between my skull and it is slowly sucking away at my life force. i'm unproductive, tired, lethargic, depressed, moody etc etc etc. doesn't help that i only got 6 hours of sleep and woke up at 2am and 4am, i'm on my period, and have more work than you could shake a stick at. (and that's a lot.)
i love what i'm studying, it's just so completely overwhelming me, and with all this other bullshit ruminating around, it feels like i'm on a never-ending upward slope.
on the plus side, two of my best girlfriends are coming to visit from d.c. and detroit in the beginning of october (only 16 more days!) and a couple other friends might be coming that weekend too. we were all in senegal together so it would basically be the hugest reunion ever - full of ceebu jën, ataya, café touba and all things sénégalais!
i went and had a smoke break with becky between paper writing and class today. she is seriously my sanity. it might be because she's a social worker and can totally see through my bullshit (which is good and bad - bad when she calls me on shit that i would rather her not call me on. like when she tells me that my recent weight loss made her have a nervous breakdown when she saw me for the first time in a while and tells me she knows how much i struggle with disordered eating and is worried that things aren't ok. that made me, in turn, spiral into an enormous binge. but that's not about her, after all...) anyway, smoking and chatting and her telling me that it's not worth it to break my back for all this school bullshit. what's the point? she asked me. i guess there isn't really one. it's all just pressure i put on myself. bizarre standards i set for myself that are a little bit insane, but i feel like i can't back down and can't back out and should be able to handle all this.
i think i can handle it. it might make me a bit insane, but then again, it's only a few months. i guess the question is the opportunity cost of it all. i can handle it, but should i be doing this to myself? what other options do i have?? i tell myself that next semester i'm totally not taking a full course load, but i wonder if i'll be able to stick to that promise to myself.
for now, i'm just going to look at things like an alcoholic. one day at a time. and when that's too much, one hour. i don't have to shoulder this all alone, and soon enough, i'll be back in therapy!! (never thought i would be so happy to say those words...)
in the end it's nothing specific to a tuesday, just today. yesterday felt like a vacation from myself and today feels like a return to reality. i'm trapped in this prison between my skull and it is slowly sucking away at my life force. i'm unproductive, tired, lethargic, depressed, moody etc etc etc. doesn't help that i only got 6 hours of sleep and woke up at 2am and 4am, i'm on my period, and have more work than you could shake a stick at. (and that's a lot.)
i love what i'm studying, it's just so completely overwhelming me, and with all this other bullshit ruminating around, it feels like i'm on a never-ending upward slope.
on the plus side, two of my best girlfriends are coming to visit from d.c. and detroit in the beginning of october (only 16 more days!) and a couple other friends might be coming that weekend too. we were all in senegal together so it would basically be the hugest reunion ever - full of ceebu jën, ataya, café touba and all things sénégalais!
i went and had a smoke break with becky between paper writing and class today. she is seriously my sanity. it might be because she's a social worker and can totally see through my bullshit (which is good and bad - bad when she calls me on shit that i would rather her not call me on. like when she tells me that my recent weight loss made her have a nervous breakdown when she saw me for the first time in a while and tells me she knows how much i struggle with disordered eating and is worried that things aren't ok. that made me, in turn, spiral into an enormous binge. but that's not about her, after all...) anyway, smoking and chatting and her telling me that it's not worth it to break my back for all this school bullshit. what's the point? she asked me. i guess there isn't really one. it's all just pressure i put on myself. bizarre standards i set for myself that are a little bit insane, but i feel like i can't back down and can't back out and should be able to handle all this.
i think i can handle it. it might make me a bit insane, but then again, it's only a few months. i guess the question is the opportunity cost of it all. i can handle it, but should i be doing this to myself? what other options do i have?? i tell myself that next semester i'm totally not taking a full course load, but i wonder if i'll be able to stick to that promise to myself.
for now, i'm just going to look at things like an alcoholic. one day at a time. and when that's too much, one hour. i don't have to shoulder this all alone, and soon enough, i'll be back in therapy!! (never thought i would be so happy to say those words...)
17 September 2007
taking it off my shoulders
in waking up this morning i felt somehow lighter than i have in a while. not physically, but emotionally. i walked into the bathroom to shower and thought to myself, i'm just not going to deal with it today. the big "it". that's to say: all the bullshit associated with my eating disorder and feeling like shit about myself and hating myself for everything that passes my lips.
so i didn't.
somehow, i ate breakfast, packed a lunch and ate that (when i was hungry), bought a little snack in between lunch and dinner, and even went out to dinner and ate past 8pm, which has been a cut off point for me for a long time. (no food past 8 o'clock = losing weight. right.)
i didn't count calories, or berate myself for having tea with whole milk in it or for being hungry after lunch or anything. it wasn't a perfect day, i'll admit. thoughts crossed my mind that weren't of the most positive spin, but this was probably the best day i've had in a while.
no binge, and honestly, no urge to binge. i'm not sure what was different, but i think it was all in the way i started my day. saying to myself that i just wasn't going to deal with it. i handed my problems over to someone else. i'm not a religious person. i don't really believe in God with a Capital G, or even in a (singular) higher power, but i do believe in energy and a universe with the amazing ability to shoulder and channel energy. so maybe i just channeled my energy in a way that someone else could should it. who knows.
don't get me wrong. i still came home and looked at my stomach and thought fleetingly that it's too fat. i still wonder how much i should be eating in order to maintain my weight the way it is because i'm friggin paranoid of gaining weight. i will still binge in the future. i will slip and "mess up" and take one step back for every two steps forward. but i will still take those steps forward even after falling back, or falling down, or being trampled on. (oh, the metaphors!)
something i've realized lately is that this isn't something that's been in my life for 10 years and then will just disappear. i will deal with disordered eating and distorted body image probably for the rest of my life. i guess i'm just trying to get to the point where it's liveable and doesn't handicap me so much i can't function. right now i live in fear of food. i'm constantly terrified of eating, of needing to eat, of having to plan what i will eat. and i'm just working to get to the point where eating isn't such an unpleasant act. maybe even a fun one. who knows, crazier things have been known to happen, right?
so i didn't.
somehow, i ate breakfast, packed a lunch and ate that (when i was hungry), bought a little snack in between lunch and dinner, and even went out to dinner and ate past 8pm, which has been a cut off point for me for a long time. (no food past 8 o'clock = losing weight. right.)
i didn't count calories, or berate myself for having tea with whole milk in it or for being hungry after lunch or anything. it wasn't a perfect day, i'll admit. thoughts crossed my mind that weren't of the most positive spin, but this was probably the best day i've had in a while.
no binge, and honestly, no urge to binge. i'm not sure what was different, but i think it was all in the way i started my day. saying to myself that i just wasn't going to deal with it. i handed my problems over to someone else. i'm not a religious person. i don't really believe in God with a Capital G, or even in a (singular) higher power, but i do believe in energy and a universe with the amazing ability to shoulder and channel energy. so maybe i just channeled my energy in a way that someone else could should it. who knows.
don't get me wrong. i still came home and looked at my stomach and thought fleetingly that it's too fat. i still wonder how much i should be eating in order to maintain my weight the way it is because i'm friggin paranoid of gaining weight. i will still binge in the future. i will slip and "mess up" and take one step back for every two steps forward. but i will still take those steps forward even after falling back, or falling down, or being trampled on. (oh, the metaphors!)
something i've realized lately is that this isn't something that's been in my life for 10 years and then will just disappear. i will deal with disordered eating and distorted body image probably for the rest of my life. i guess i'm just trying to get to the point where it's liveable and doesn't handicap me so much i can't function. right now i live in fear of food. i'm constantly terrified of eating, of needing to eat, of having to plan what i will eat. and i'm just working to get to the point where eating isn't such an unpleasant act. maybe even a fun one. who knows, crazier things have been known to happen, right?
16 September 2007
a long sunday of procrastination
you know when you have something on your mind and nothing else seems at all possible? i mean, you feel like you can't do anything except obsess and obsess and obsess. well, i've been obsessing. and usually all you need to get it off your mind is a good distraction. like a list of 17 books to find in the library, or an entire thesis to start researching. none of that seemed to work today.
not only am i still thinking about fred's visit - and my having to tell him that, while he is pretty much in love with me, i will never feel the same way about him - but also about the huge binge i went on yesterday and the day before, and the day before... i can't even begin to explain what a mind job this whole thing has been on me. fred, because i can't handle having someone love me. or even like me. the way i see myself and the disgust, even, i have for my own body makes it impossible for me to believe that someone else could find me attractive. as soon as a guy tells me he likes me/is attracted to me, i start thinking - even if only subconciously - 'what's wrong with this guy that he's actually attracted to me?!!??!' yeah, i know. deranged. and then there's the binge thing. they talk about the 7 steps of mourning. denial, a few other things, and then anger fits in there somewhere. i'm at the anger stage.
every time i binge, there's this immediate thought of incredulity that directly follows, and then there's just anger. how could i let this happen? AGAIN?? do i have no self control whatsoever? is there nothing i can do to stop myself from eating everything in sight; to the point where my stomach is hard and bulging and just hurts. hurts so bad i can barely move.
but enough of my self-berating misery. after ten years of dealing with disordered eating, i know all of the red flags and all of the mistakes, the signals and the things i should and shouldn't do. i can recognize the negative thinking, the feelings that'll bring on a binge and what i should or could, in theory, do to avoid it. but somehow that hasn't helped.
so i'm angry. why me? what is it about my life and the way i've grown up and who i've become that has made me this way? why can't i get over this, or at least get it in check. all i know is that i'm looking forward to starting therapy more than i've looked forward to something in a really long time.
i guess my goal for the week is to avoid falling back into the hole. because at least today, i managed to crawl my way out. ok so honestly, i don't know if i've crawled out all the way yet or if i'm digging myself back into this proverbial hole. but all metaphors aside, i can't afford to let my life be taken over by bingeing. this week is mine, not my eating disorder's. this week i need to get work done, go to school, do yoga, maybe even go for a run or a swim or something. i don't need to binge, i don't need to feel like shit about myself, i don't need to sabotage my life.
more joy, less shame.
not only am i still thinking about fred's visit - and my having to tell him that, while he is pretty much in love with me, i will never feel the same way about him - but also about the huge binge i went on yesterday and the day before, and the day before... i can't even begin to explain what a mind job this whole thing has been on me. fred, because i can't handle having someone love me. or even like me. the way i see myself and the disgust, even, i have for my own body makes it impossible for me to believe that someone else could find me attractive. as soon as a guy tells me he likes me/is attracted to me, i start thinking - even if only subconciously - 'what's wrong with this guy that he's actually attracted to me?!!??!' yeah, i know. deranged. and then there's the binge thing. they talk about the 7 steps of mourning. denial, a few other things, and then anger fits in there somewhere. i'm at the anger stage.
every time i binge, there's this immediate thought of incredulity that directly follows, and then there's just anger. how could i let this happen? AGAIN?? do i have no self control whatsoever? is there nothing i can do to stop myself from eating everything in sight; to the point where my stomach is hard and bulging and just hurts. hurts so bad i can barely move.
but enough of my self-berating misery. after ten years of dealing with disordered eating, i know all of the red flags and all of the mistakes, the signals and the things i should and shouldn't do. i can recognize the negative thinking, the feelings that'll bring on a binge and what i should or could, in theory, do to avoid it. but somehow that hasn't helped.
so i'm angry. why me? what is it about my life and the way i've grown up and who i've become that has made me this way? why can't i get over this, or at least get it in check. all i know is that i'm looking forward to starting therapy more than i've looked forward to something in a really long time.
i guess my goal for the week is to avoid falling back into the hole. because at least today, i managed to crawl my way out. ok so honestly, i don't know if i've crawled out all the way yet or if i'm digging myself back into this proverbial hole. but all metaphors aside, i can't afford to let my life be taken over by bingeing. this week is mine, not my eating disorder's. this week i need to get work done, go to school, do yoga, maybe even go for a run or a swim or something. i don't need to binge, i don't need to feel like shit about myself, i don't need to sabotage my life.
more joy, less shame.
15 September 2007
the addictiveness of sugar
one hour since my last post. i guess i like to start things off with a bang. i'm supposed to go to a friend's birthday party that starts in about an hour, but my head is completely preoccupied with everything i've eaten today.
you know when you get that completely numb feeling and can't really concentrate on anything else. it's like a post-meal drunkenness that just takes over everything. except this one has lasted for the past seven or eight hours. and how am i supposed to go partying when i have a stomach full of binge food.
about a week ago i started on an effort to give up sugar. there's this great website, first ourselves, that talks about eating disorders and body image distortion that i've been reading recently. the woman who runs the site talks about her addiction to sugar and the way that sugar affects her body. i've always believed that disordered eating is just as much an addiction as an alcohol addiction or a nasty coke habit, and the similarities i see in myself and in what she says on this website really lead me to believe that sugar might be my crack. the need to eat more and more once i start. fantasizing about cakes and cookies and ice cream and icing. not being able to stop once i start, and the almost hung over feeling i get after a good long binge. yeah, i'm pretty sure sugar is my crack.
giving up sugar is not easy. ever since i've become more aware of sugar and the amount of sugar normally in my diet, it seems like it's everywhere. people are obsessed with it. our culture would probably cease to function as we know it without those wonderful little crystals. every bodega and café and train station and restaurant pushes sugar and sugar-laden sweets at you to the point where it's practically impossible to avoid. and it's been really hard.
sometimes i wonder if this is just another way that i've been trying to control my eating. the sort of situation where i make deals with myself. example: "ok, peggy. you can eat xyz today but you're not eating for the rest of the day." or: "fine. you binged all day today, you're not eating tomorrow or the next day." when i put it on paper (or on the screen as it may be) the entire situation sounds absolutely ridiculous. to tell myself i can't eat just because i ate too much one day? it's pure absurdity.
but hey, life wouldn't be interesting if we didn't each have a mountain to climb. i'm just waiting for the view at the top!
you know when you get that completely numb feeling and can't really concentrate on anything else. it's like a post-meal drunkenness that just takes over everything. except this one has lasted for the past seven or eight hours. and how am i supposed to go partying when i have a stomach full of binge food.
about a week ago i started on an effort to give up sugar. there's this great website, first ourselves, that talks about eating disorders and body image distortion that i've been reading recently. the woman who runs the site talks about her addiction to sugar and the way that sugar affects her body. i've always believed that disordered eating is just as much an addiction as an alcohol addiction or a nasty coke habit, and the similarities i see in myself and in what she says on this website really lead me to believe that sugar might be my crack. the need to eat more and more once i start. fantasizing about cakes and cookies and ice cream and icing. not being able to stop once i start, and the almost hung over feeling i get after a good long binge. yeah, i'm pretty sure sugar is my crack.
giving up sugar is not easy. ever since i've become more aware of sugar and the amount of sugar normally in my diet, it seems like it's everywhere. people are obsessed with it. our culture would probably cease to function as we know it without those wonderful little crystals. every bodega and café and train station and restaurant pushes sugar and sugar-laden sweets at you to the point where it's practically impossible to avoid. and it's been really hard.
sometimes i wonder if this is just another way that i've been trying to control my eating. the sort of situation where i make deals with myself. example: "ok, peggy. you can eat xyz today but you're not eating for the rest of the day." or: "fine. you binged all day today, you're not eating tomorrow or the next day." when i put it on paper (or on the screen as it may be) the entire situation sounds absolutely ridiculous. to tell myself i can't eat just because i ate too much one day? it's pure absurdity.
but hey, life wouldn't be interesting if we didn't each have a mountain to climb. i'm just waiting for the view at the top!
more joy less shame
my roommate is in the kitchen making banana bread while i'm supposed to be finishing a book i have to read for class. well, to be honest it's more like three books (one of which i have yet to buy), research to do on my thesis, a few meetings that i have on monday to prepare for, and a short paper to write. but i told myself i just had to read that one book.
except my mind keeps wandering to the STACK of things i ate this morning after getting back from breakfast with fred. (fred decided to profess his love to me last night after some serious bar hopping and naturally i sat there not believing a word he said and just wondering what the most tactful way would be to get out of the situation. i went to bed.) breakfast was fine (delicious even) except i couldn't stop thinking about the broccoli back home. i know i know, it's weird to crave broccoli. but i just kept wishing he would get on his bus to philly so i could be alone with my binge.
this morning after breakfast i ate: peanut butter with celery, pancakes, nutella, hummus on toast, pasta with cheese and sauce, broccoli, two luna bars, some peanuts and raisins, and a graham cracker peanut butter raisin sandwich.
you'll forgive me if my bulging stomach and the guilt of it all has been preventing me from being able to concentrate too hard on academia.
i told myself this morning - not unlike every morning - that today would be different. that i would eat when i was hungry that i would eat what i wanted that i wouldn't guilt myself for everything that passes my lips that i wouldn't feel ashamed of needing food. i guess i'll start again tomorrow with that endeavor.
so i guess i just jumped right in to this whole blog thing. (another form of procrastination, but this time maybe a good one!) and maybe i should put down a word or two of introduction. if simply for my own sake, when i'm old and have alzheimers and stumble across this thing not knowing what it is, right? anyway, this is basically just a place for me to write down all my shame. hence, more joy, less shame. because maybe if i can externalize it, it won't affect my life so much. ten years of eating disordered living and body image distortion and hating the way i look and honestly, i'm sick to death of it all. i just moved back to new york after about 7 months of being away, i'm going back into therapy starting in 2 weeks, and i'm ready to battle this fucker.
don't get me wrong. i don't have illusions about "curing" myself, or being free of eating disordered tendancies and thoughts, i just want to be able to live my life. preferably with more joy, less shame.
except my mind keeps wandering to the STACK of things i ate this morning after getting back from breakfast with fred. (fred decided to profess his love to me last night after some serious bar hopping and naturally i sat there not believing a word he said and just wondering what the most tactful way would be to get out of the situation. i went to bed.) breakfast was fine (delicious even) except i couldn't stop thinking about the broccoli back home. i know i know, it's weird to crave broccoli. but i just kept wishing he would get on his bus to philly so i could be alone with my binge.
this morning after breakfast i ate: peanut butter with celery, pancakes, nutella, hummus on toast, pasta with cheese and sauce, broccoli, two luna bars, some peanuts and raisins, and a graham cracker peanut butter raisin sandwich.
you'll forgive me if my bulging stomach and the guilt of it all has been preventing me from being able to concentrate too hard on academia.
i told myself this morning - not unlike every morning - that today would be different. that i would eat when i was hungry that i would eat what i wanted that i wouldn't guilt myself for everything that passes my lips that i wouldn't feel ashamed of needing food. i guess i'll start again tomorrow with that endeavor.
so i guess i just jumped right in to this whole blog thing. (another form of procrastination, but this time maybe a good one!) and maybe i should put down a word or two of introduction. if simply for my own sake, when i'm old and have alzheimers and stumble across this thing not knowing what it is, right? anyway, this is basically just a place for me to write down all my shame. hence, more joy, less shame. because maybe if i can externalize it, it won't affect my life so much. ten years of eating disordered living and body image distortion and hating the way i look and honestly, i'm sick to death of it all. i just moved back to new york after about 7 months of being away, i'm going back into therapy starting in 2 weeks, and i'm ready to battle this fucker.
don't get me wrong. i don't have illusions about "curing" myself, or being free of eating disordered tendancies and thoughts, i just want to be able to live my life. preferably with more joy, less shame.
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