30 April 2008

the weight of the universe

there are a series of ghanaian symbols - the adinkra symbols - that were the written language in the modern day region of ghana before the latin alphabet took over. one of these in particular, asase ye duru, meaning "the earth has weight" is particularly meaningful to me. it represents the importance of life sustenance, but also the possibility of something beyond the self. the earth itself has weight. it is not only something that we stand upon, but something that pushes back against us.

when i'm sitting here wondering if i can eat clean today and not binge, asking myself over and over again why this addiction is mine and what i have done to deserve this, and why i use food as a drug and why i can't just be "normal" like everyone else, i start to think about the weight of the earth. and the fact that i am not the only one that the earth pushes back against, rather there are billions of other people who counter the weight of the earth. there are billions of others who are struggling to plant their feet firmly on the ground and to feel the weight of the earth.

i have to ask the universe, the spirits around me, some power greater than myself, to counter the weight that i represent. and i'm not talking about the number that the scale reads when i step on it but the weight of my presense. sometimes i am scared of the presense i have, or don't have. i see myself as too intense to handle, my emotions too powerful to share. like the earth is not big enough to contain me and there is not enough in this world to fill me. but then i realize that my emotions are only that, and they can be sent out into the world and that the earth's weight can handle it. she's bigger than all of us put together and pushes back against us every day, as if to quietly remind us of our mortality. while the weight of the world is eternal, we are simply here for a short time. we do what we can and take the steps that we can, however our weight - our presense - is the ultimate impermanence.