the availability of desire

if i were to live in the middle of the jungle, i know for sure i would never crave starbucks coffee, or tasty delite, or dunkin donuts, or chocomochalattéfrapawhatever. and when i lived in dakar, none of that really was missing in my life. when i lived in marseille, it wasn't either.

somehow, as soon as i move back to the good ol' states, all these desires come back. just walking around manhattan today, i passed starbucks (three times), spacemarket, oren's, think coffee, and a slew of other places where one could buy coffee. i didn't want coffee. but somehow i ended up with a 16oz hazelnut coffee with milk and i don't know why. constantly surrounded and bombarded by all the possibilities of things to consume: food, clothes, shoes, food, food, food... what's a girl to do?

so i tell myself i don't want it, and don't need it and that it won't fix or change or help anything. and it becomes a forbidden fruit. walking around in the midst of everything i can't have. tell myself i don't want. and suddently i find myself bingeing beyond belief at my apartment when i'm supposed to be doing work. (that never-diminishing pile of work..)

what has my life become???