turning over a new leaf...

...or possibly it's just the other side of the same leaf. who knows?

anyway, i went to a meeting (formulated after alcoholics anonymous) for ED people on sunday. it was riddled with religious intonations, but other than that, was an interesting experience. it was the first time i've ever been in a situation where people just talk openly - and so matter-of-factly - about their ED experience. i spoke just for a minute, and said that i'm not sure if that's the right place for me, i don't know if i'm ready to give up the binge/purge/starve/binge cycle because it's my drug. it's how i cope with anxiety, depression, the shit that my life throws at me.

but things had been really bad the week before i went. spring break was pretty hard. both my roommates were gone, which means i had the apt to myself. and so, like usual, i became something of a hermit. binged and purged and starved myself. on wed the OAOA came over - we drank rum and had great sex - but i had binged so hardcore the previous day that i was more concerned with how i looked naked than anything else. the next day, a friend of mine from d.c. called saying he was in town and did i want to meet up to go clubbing? of course! until i got home and ate so much i thought my stomach would actually rupture. so i canceled on him. these are the reasons that i do want to be done with this. i eat and eat and can't even be involved in my own social life. i cancel on friends and am too preoccupied with body image/what i've eaten to be present with anybody.

on friday i didn't eat until nighttime when i started to binge. i felt it coming on. and then something clicked, or snapped. and i started just looking for something else. doing online research for support groups, i read an excerpt from one of geneen roth's books, i was ready to reach out to get help. which is something i've never done before (other than therapy, which is honestly rather disenchanting...) i felt like i was ready to be done with things.

i didn't binge saturday or sunday. yesterday was monday and i ate more or less normally (or whatever normal is for me!) and then this morning i had a mini-binge, but i don't think all is lost. i've been cranky and frustrated and angry at myself over these past days, because without food to mask things, all i have is myself and my emotions. it's really f-ing hard. which is why i don't want to give this up.

so it's a constant battle between wanting it and not wanting it, between having the energy to fight it and just giving up. i don't think i'm ready to just give up yet. but i really can't think about the long term. if i think that, right now, sitting here on my bed, i am ok. right now i don't need to eat something. (even though i feel like i could totally raid the entire fridge and eat every last drop of food in the house!) i can just sit here for this minute and finish this entry, move on to the rest of my school work, maybe work on my thesis a bit, and i don't need to have food to do that.

if i think that way, maybe i can get through today. and then maybe tomorrow. but i'll cross that bridge when i come to it.

the irony of this all is that in trying to get over my food issues and in trying to eat normally, i think i think more about food than i ever have. it has occupied my mind even more intensely over these past few days than it did before. because before, i would eat to numb myself. before i was stuck in the vicious cycle of eat/numb/freak out/purge/binge/get anxious/eat/numb... etc etc etc.

and now for these past few days, i'm trying to not do that. and in addition, i'm trying not to hate myself for every little thing i do eat, and also not to hold myself up to impossible standards of perfection. like this morning and my mini-binge: it's not the end of the world. i don't have to give in to the 'fuck it' mentality that i've already screwed up, might as well go buy out a grocery store, and start again tomorrow. i start again right now. and in this moment, i am ok. in this moment, i can just be here and i don't need food for that.

sitting in the corner of my room...

it's been way too long since i've been here.

so much has happened yet i don't really feel the need to update anything because i'm back where i always am. the proverbial vicious cycle that is my life is back in full swing, and i'm sitting here, resentful. the other day in my german lit class we were talking about nietzsche and thomas mann and kafka and the question was posed whether man has free will or is predestined: ein Schicksal oder das frei Wille?

sometimes i believe in one more than the other, but in the end, i'm not sure it really matters. the choices we make, whether it is us that makes them or some higher power that ordains this upon us, i do believe that everything happens for a reason - no matter how fucked up that reason may be.

it is five minutes before midnight and i am realizing that i will wake up tomorrow with the repercussions of what i did today. and by did, i mean ate. i feel sick. same old story. i took a bunch of laxitives and maybe it makes me feel better to purge to a certain extent, but i am so sick of this life. so sick of living the same day and the same experiences over and over again. i told myself i was going to "detox" this week - i'm on spring break, and what a perfect opportunity for some introspection? well it's not starting out too well. mostly because by detox, i secretly meant to starve myself while drinking a lot of peppermint and ginger tea in order to lose the weight i've put on over the past few days from bingeing.

the other day i was at lunch with some girlfriends and heard a friend of mine talk about a friend of hers who has food issues - and from what this girl was saying, pretty much like what i have. and the way she spoke about it, almost with respect for the path that this girl must travel and what she must go through every day, made me want so badly to be able to talk to her about my own issues. and maybe i will. i was so close to being ready to tell this guy about my shit - we were on the brink of dating, you could say - and then he decided his own emotional issues that were coming up from a previous relationship he had been in, were just too much and he can't do the whole relationship thing again right now. except the way he did this was basically to ignore me, and upon my own insistance and grovelling, practically, we got together and had an actual conversation about it. and i haven't heard from him since, whence i deduct his decision to not want a relationship. regardless. i was so close to telling him, or to wanting to tell him. to wanting someone to know so that i don't have to do this all alone. it's so hard to go through life as if in a bubble, and that's what i've been doing my entire life.

so spring break. starting off with a bang. and by a bang, i mean one of the worst binges i've had in a really really long time. and now i'm realizing i won't wake up tomorrow without the consequences of this. and it might take a few days for me to not have the consequences of this - physically. but then again, the physical consequences are almost secondary to what goes through my head. i just wish i could overcome. wish i could like one normal day so i would know what it's like. good god i wish i knew what that was like...

just another day...

so i guess relapses happen.

and i probably shouldn't beat myself up over it.

but it's hard when you spend years fighting something. you think you've made progress or are making progress or are at least taking two steps forward for every one step back, and then suddenly you find yourself ass down in a pile of mud and you're the one you got yourself there.

that's how i've felt these past two weekends. first weekend, i had friends visiting and we had a crazy-party-weekend, and then my little sister and her friend were here this past weekend and we had a fun-girly-touristy-weekend. both brilliantly fun, both followed by the biggest binges ever.

and now all i want to do is smack myself. why can't i do this?

but i had something of a revelation. the whole weekend, i spent with these two young girls who were practically idolizing me. telling me how cool and fun and amazing i am and how awesome my life here is. and i was tempted to believe it. i got home on sunday and was looking in the mirror, trying to find faults. trying my best to find something wrong with me - which isn't hard for me to do. i compared a picture of me from the beginning of the summer (incredibly tan and maybe a few pounds thinner) to how i look now, and how shitty i think i look now. i even showed the pic to my roommate and asked her to tell me that i look pasty and gross without my tan. i was looking for rejection. and i didn't get it.

so i turned to food, because i knew that it would fill that hole in me. i would eat and eat and eat, and then be able to reject myself. it's easy.

i do enough bad things (that i KNOW are bad and that i KNOW will make me hate myself) and i end up getting the rejection i'm looking for. if i hate myself enough, i can avoid having anyone else reject me, because i'll do it preemptively.

pretty fucked up way of looking at things.

oh well. tomorrow i go to therapy again and we'll talk it all out...

trusting ourselves

i'm 22 years old and have been struggling with disordered eating and distorted body image and such for about 10 years now. i fluctuate between extreme binge eating and starving myself (as a way to make up for all that i've eaten, or simply just because..) and struggle every day to have a day of "normal" eating. i am able to do it here and there, but i find the trusting myself part to be the hardest. today, for example, i was hungry at around 1:30. so i walked around the neighborhood I was in (i live in manhattan, so there's no lack of options for food!) trying to decide what i wanted to eat. Running through a list of all the possible foods I could ever want, there was nothing that really sounded good. i feel like i've been so entrenched in this for such a long time, i don't even know what i want anymore. i don't know how to trust myself or what that would even be like. i ended up eating some grilled vegetables, more because i know that i like them and know that you can't really go wrong with that than because it's what i really wanted.

every day i wake up thinking about what i should/could eat and what i might want to eat - but like i said, figuring out what i want is the biggest problem. i've squashed that voice in me for so long now, i don't even know what it sounds like anymore.

eating has become such a chore, a frustration. something else to figure out. whereas most people i know actually enjoy eating - picking something that sounds good, the taste of food is good to them. i barely taste food, and trying to pick something is usually hell. i've actually walked around a foodcourt before with over 40 restaurants, found absolutely nothing, and walked out.

i wonder if this voice - that silenced part of me that doesn't know how to speak up - manifests itself in other parts of my life. okay well i don't wonder too much, i know that it does. with guys, with my family, friends..school..everything. i become a people pleaser, a non-confrontational lover who doesn't know how to stick up for her own wants and desires, a friend who will go much further for people than is convenient or practical. and i don't complain.

a big step for me happened the other day, actually. i was able to talk to my current lover about some really big things in our relationship that were bothering me. but it all sort of happened by accident. he fucked up big time, and then came asking my forgiveness, allowing me to be upset. had he not come to me with the knowledge that he had screwed up, i wonder if i would have been able to voice my opinions, my problems with our relationship. had he not effectively created that space for me, would i have been able to do it myself? i guess i won't really know. but either way, i spoke up. i could have just glossed over it and said 'whatever, it's fine' but i told him how i felt. i guess we have to take baby steps in everything we do.

progress won't come in leaps and bounds, so i take every day as unique, as another chance.

terrified to succeed

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

-Marianne Williamson

i feel like this quote pretty much sums up my life. well, at least that third sentence. "who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" i am so terrified to being in the open, of being noticed, of being successful beyond measure that, more often than not, i sabotage my own success. i binge until i can't move, numbing out the possibility of any rational thought. i am so obsessed with body image and how i look and what i have eaten - it must be occupying at least 95% of my conscious thought!

instead of enabling my own success and trusting that i was "born to manifest the glory of God" or whatever higher power or spirit or soul that is within me, i enable only the part of me that wants to bring me down. the part that is terrified to succeed. because ultimately, success means you have something to lose. with every step higher you climb, that's just one more step further you could possibly fall.

i am at a point in my life where i have climbed really high. i'm finishing up school, writing my thesis, getting ready to graduate and to try to find a real job (make some money instead of just spending it all!) but not only that, i weigh less now than i have since i was probably about 14 years old. maybe even younger. over the past year i've lost about 50lbs and i like what i weigh. i'm happy(er) when i look in the mirror. i am glad to be able to go shopping and fit into clothes properly.

i am terrified of fucking it all up.

now that i weigh what is arguable an "ideal" weight for me, i feel like my disordered eating is rearing it's ugly head more than ever. i binge uncontrollably and freak out about ruining everything. i'm constantly paranoid that one extra bite of whatever it is i'm eating will make me instantly go back to weighing what i used to. ok, well i'm not that dumb, but i'm terrified that this is completely impermanent and that sooner or later i will step on the scale, realize that i lost track of things, and weigh again 50lbs more.

this is not necessarily a ridiculous line of thinking. yes, if i continue to binge and continue to eat way more than i should, i will gain weight. but that does not mean that i have to starve myself to make up for extra calories. nor does it mean that my entire life has to be devoted to thinking about what i ate, what i will eat, what i want to eat, what i can't eat, what i should eat, what i would eat ad nauseum infinae.

school deserves more thought than that. my social life deserves more thought than that, for god's sake a rock lying on the side of the road deserves more than that. i am torturing myself with this and i've had enough.

i wish i could say i'm getting better, but i just don't see it. i don't know exactly how i lost all the weight that i did, but the consequences are so bipolar it's unbelievable. who am i not to live up to all the potential i have?? who am i not to be brilliant and gorgeous and talented and fabulous??? these things do not preclude failures in my life and yes, failure hurts. but if i don't set myself up for failure and sabotage everything i do, at least then i have the chance to succeed. at least then, there's the possibility (no matter how slim) that i won't fail.

the availability of desire

if i were to live in the middle of the jungle, i know for sure i would never crave starbucks coffee, or tasty delite, or dunkin donuts, or chocomochalattéfrapawhatever. and when i lived in dakar, none of that really was missing in my life. when i lived in marseille, it wasn't either.

somehow, as soon as i move back to the good ol' states, all these desires come back. just walking around manhattan today, i passed starbucks (three times), spacemarket, oren's, think coffee, and a slew of other places where one could buy coffee. i didn't want coffee. but somehow i ended up with a 16oz hazelnut coffee with milk and i don't know why. constantly surrounded and bombarded by all the possibilities of things to consume: food, clothes, shoes, food, food, food... what's a girl to do?

so i tell myself i don't want it, and don't need it and that it won't fix or change or help anything. and it becomes a forbidden fruit. walking around in the midst of everything i can't have. tell myself i don't want. and suddently i find myself bingeing beyond belief at my apartment when i'm supposed to be doing work. (that never-diminishing pile of work..)

what has my life become???

taking it off my shoulders

in waking up this morning i felt somehow lighter than i have in a while. not physically, but emotionally. i walked into the bathroom to shower and thought to myself, i'm just not going to deal with it today. the big "it". that's to say: all the bullshit associated with my eating disorder and feeling like shit about myself and hating myself for everything that passes my lips.

so i didn't.

somehow, i ate breakfast, packed a lunch and ate that (when i was hungry), bought a little snack in between lunch and dinner, and even went out to dinner and ate past 8pm, which has been a cut off point for me for a long time. (no food past 8 o'clock = losing weight. right.)

i didn't count calories, or berate myself for having tea with whole milk in it or for being hungry after lunch or anything. it wasn't a perfect day, i'll admit. thoughts crossed my mind that weren't of the most positive spin, but this was probably the best day i've had in a while.

no binge, and honestly, no urge to binge. i'm not sure what was different, but i think it was all in the way i started my day. saying to myself that i just wasn't going to deal with it. i handed my problems over to someone else. i'm not a religious person. i don't really believe in God with a Capital G, or even in a (singular) higher power, but i do believe in energy and a universe with the amazing ability to shoulder and channel energy. so maybe i just channeled my energy in a way that someone else could should it. who knows.

don't get me wrong. i still came home and looked at my stomach and thought fleetingly that it's too fat. i still wonder how much i should be eating in order to maintain my weight the way it is because i'm friggin paranoid of gaining weight. i will still binge in the future. i will slip and "mess up" and take one step back for every two steps forward. but i will still take those steps forward even after falling back, or falling down, or being trampled on. (oh, the metaphors!)

something i've realized lately is that this isn't something that's been in my life for 10 years and then will just disappear. i will deal with disordered eating and distorted body image probably for the rest of my life. i guess i'm just trying to get to the point where it's liveable and doesn't handicap me so much i can't function. right now i live in fear of food. i'm constantly terrified of eating, of needing to eat, of having to plan what i will eat. and i'm just working to get to the point where eating isn't such an unpleasant act. maybe even a fun one. who knows, crazier things have been known to happen, right?

the addictiveness of sugar

one hour since my last post. i guess i like to start things off with a bang. i'm supposed to go to a friend's birthday party that starts in about an hour, but my head is completely preoccupied with everything i've eaten today.

you know when you get that completely numb feeling and can't really concentrate on anything else. it's like a post-meal drunkenness that just takes over everything. except this one has lasted for the past seven or eight hours. and how am i supposed to go partying when i have a stomach full of binge food.

about a week ago i started on an effort to give up sugar. there's this great website, first ourselves, that talks about eating disorders and body image distortion that i've been reading recently. the woman who runs the site talks about her addiction to sugar and the way that sugar affects her body. i've always believed that disordered eating is just as much an addiction as an alcohol addiction or a nasty coke habit, and the similarities i see in myself and in what she says on this website really lead me to believe that sugar might be my crack. the need to eat more and more once i start. fantasizing about cakes and cookies and ice cream and icing. not being able to stop once i start, and the almost hung over feeling i get after a good long binge. yeah, i'm pretty sure sugar is my crack.

giving up sugar is not easy. ever since i've become more aware of sugar and the amount of sugar normally in my diet, it seems like it's everywhere. people are obsessed with it. our culture would probably cease to function as we know it without those wonderful little crystals. every bodega and café and train station and restaurant pushes sugar and sugar-laden sweets at you to the point where it's practically impossible to avoid. and it's been really hard.

sometimes i wonder if this is just another way that i've been trying to control my eating. the sort of situation where i make deals with myself. example: "ok, peggy. you can eat xyz today but you're not eating for the rest of the day." or: "fine. you binged all day today, you're not eating tomorrow or the next day." when i put it on paper (or on the screen as it may be) the entire situation sounds absolutely ridiculous. to tell myself i can't eat just because i ate too much one day? it's pure absurdity.

but hey, life wouldn't be interesting if we didn't each have a mountain to climb. i'm just waiting for the view at the top!

more joy less shame

my roommate is in the kitchen making banana bread while i'm supposed to be finishing a book i have to read for class. well, to be honest it's more like three books (one of which i have yet to buy), research to do on my thesis, a few meetings that i have on monday to prepare for, and a short paper to write. but i told myself i just had to read that one book.

except my mind keeps wandering to the STACK of things i ate this morning after getting back from breakfast with fred. (fred decided to profess his love to me last night after some serious bar hopping and naturally i sat there not believing a word he said and just wondering what the most tactful way would be to get out of the situation. i went to bed.) breakfast was fine (delicious even) except i couldn't stop thinking about the broccoli back home. i know i know, it's weird to crave broccoli. but i just kept wishing he would get on his bus to philly so i could be alone with my binge.

this morning after breakfast i ate: peanut butter with celery, pancakes, nutella, hummus on toast, pasta with cheese and sauce, broccoli, two luna bars, some peanuts and raisins, and a graham cracker peanut butter raisin sandwich.

you'll forgive me if my bulging stomach and the guilt of it all has been preventing me from being able to concentrate too hard on academia.

i told myself this morning - not unlike every morning - that today would be different. that i would eat when i was hungry that i would eat what i wanted that i wouldn't guilt myself for everything that passes my lips that i wouldn't feel ashamed of needing food. i guess i'll start again tomorrow with that endeavor.

so i guess i just jumped right in to this whole blog thing. (another form of procrastination, but this time maybe a good one!) and maybe i should put down a word or two of introduction. if simply for my own sake, when i'm old and have alzheimers and stumble across this thing not knowing what it is, right? anyway, this is basically just a place for me to write down all my shame. hence, more joy, less shame. because maybe if i can externalize it, it won't affect my life so much. ten years of eating disordered living and body image distortion and hating the way i look and honestly, i'm sick to death of it all. i just moved back to new york after about 7 months of being away, i'm going back into therapy starting in 2 weeks, and i'm ready to battle this fucker.

don't get me wrong. i don't have illusions about "curing" myself, or being free of eating disordered tendancies and thoughts, i just want to be able to live my life. preferably with more joy, less shame.