it's funny how you can feel so amazing. just sitting there, telling myself exactly that. coming home on subway at 5:30 am with some of my best friends, having had an incredible weekend (albeit a bit crazy and completely exhausting) and then it only takes one little tiny thing to bring me down.
on sunday afternoon, i met up with a friend and her sister who just moved to the city. and her sister has got to be a size -4. the girl is tiny. i had been feeling fabulous, and just two or three hours with these girls, comparing myself to this stick, and i go home and i binge. and i eat and eat and eat and eat. and it didn't stop. i went to bed on sunday and got up on monday and continued. i don't even know how much i at over that 24 hour period (not even, more like 16 or 18 hours) but now i feel like shit.
i woke up this morning just wanting to crawl into bed (i still do!) and not have to face the world. it's amazing how much just one little thing like that can screw up an entire day or week.
i finally start therapy today; how à propos. although honestly, i'm feeling so completely resistant at this point, i wish i could put it off another day or 7. i'm really angry at myself. like really really really angry. why did i have to go and fuck up like that??!?!? that's my big question. and it always is: why do i always have to fuck things up?
ok, so i'm being a bit melodramatic right now, but this is how i feel. and now i'm supposed to try and get work done??? right. good luck me.
(hopefully i come back and read this post in an hour and laugh at how shitty i'm feeling now because i won't feel that way anymore!)
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