trusting ourselves

i'm 22 years old and have been struggling with disordered eating and distorted body image and such for about 10 years now. i fluctuate between extreme binge eating and starving myself (as a way to make up for all that i've eaten, or simply just because..) and struggle every day to have a day of "normal" eating. i am able to do it here and there, but i find the trusting myself part to be the hardest. today, for example, i was hungry at around 1:30. so i walked around the neighborhood I was in (i live in manhattan, so there's no lack of options for food!) trying to decide what i wanted to eat. Running through a list of all the possible foods I could ever want, there was nothing that really sounded good. i feel like i've been so entrenched in this for such a long time, i don't even know what i want anymore. i don't know how to trust myself or what that would even be like. i ended up eating some grilled vegetables, more because i know that i like them and know that you can't really go wrong with that than because it's what i really wanted.

every day i wake up thinking about what i should/could eat and what i might want to eat - but like i said, figuring out what i want is the biggest problem. i've squashed that voice in me for so long now, i don't even know what it sounds like anymore.

eating has become such a chore, a frustration. something else to figure out. whereas most people i know actually enjoy eating - picking something that sounds good, the taste of food is good to them. i barely taste food, and trying to pick something is usually hell. i've actually walked around a foodcourt before with over 40 restaurants, found absolutely nothing, and walked out.

i wonder if this voice - that silenced part of me that doesn't know how to speak up - manifests itself in other parts of my life. okay well i don't wonder too much, i know that it does. with guys, with my family, friends..school..everything. i become a people pleaser, a non-confrontational lover who doesn't know how to stick up for her own wants and desires, a friend who will go much further for people than is convenient or practical. and i don't complain.

a big step for me happened the other day, actually. i was able to talk to my current lover about some really big things in our relationship that were bothering me. but it all sort of happened by accident. he fucked up big time, and then came asking my forgiveness, allowing me to be upset. had he not come to me with the knowledge that he had screwed up, i wonder if i would have been able to voice my opinions, my problems with our relationship. had he not effectively created that space for me, would i have been able to do it myself? i guess i won't really know. but either way, i spoke up. i could have just glossed over it and said 'whatever, it's fine' but i told him how i felt. i guess we have to take baby steps in everything we do.

progress won't come in leaps and bounds, so i take every day as unique, as another chance.