sweating and healing

in the spirit of changing and starting over and trying to shed myself of the things in my life that no longer serve me, i spent the weekend (with my cell phone turned off!!) in the country, taking part in a sweat lodge.

with about 20 other people, we sat in a pitch black wood-framed blanket covered 5ft tall lodge and we sweat. basically we built the biggest hottest fire i've ever built and in the fire were 32 rocks, dedicated to different spirits and to our intentions for the lodge. i dedicated mine to the power of dance - to be able to move fluidly through life with conviction and intention, yet with joy. to be able to dance on my demons is something i strive towards every day.

after the rocks in the fire are red hot (seriously. hot enough that most of them split into pieces!) we undressed as far as we were comfortable, got into the lodge, and the rocks were brought in. the water pourer douses them with water to fill the lodge with hot steam, and for four rounds (8 rocks at a time) we sat and chanted and prayed and healed and emoted and sweat and sweat and sweat.

this was one of the most powerful things i have ever experienced. the first round was dedicated to our inner child. to reconnect with him or her and to ask that small child what s/he needed or wanted or desired. as many times as i have tried to connect with that part of me, i have never been in a community and heard other people talk about their inner child. it is so amazing to observe and hear that other people struggle with the same things that i do. that i am not the only being in this universe to feel abandoned, alone, hopeless, depressed, silenced, undeserving and under-appreciated.

all of the negative in me i was able to externalize.

the second round was dedicated to the period of our lives from 7 to 15. it was really hard to figure out how to succinctly word my desires for this part of my being. to send away the pain and suffering and struggles i went through, and to be able to ask for something else was amazing. i can't remember exactly what i said, but i know that it felt right. and honest. none of this "please relieve me of.." or "take away the pain of..." but to banish or send away the things that no longer serve us in this life was an amazing opportunity.

in the third round, we all spoke simultaneously about our adult lives. just to continue to send away the extraneous and ask for strength in the necessary. and the fourth round was dedicated to our "elder" self. speaking from a future point of view as if we were looking back on our child, adolescent and adult lives. joining those three parts of our being into one positive powerful being.

one thing i said was that i was thankful for the pain and struggling and suffering i have in my life because it has given me the opportunity to know myself better. the opportunity to go deeper into myself and to discover who i am and who i want to be. and i truly am grateful for that.

after the experience of the lodge, there was a lightness in my heart. in my entire being. my mind seemed clearer and less cluttered. i had a light smile on my face and laughter came easily. today i am back in new york. things are back to normal and after a binge this morning i know that i am not suddenly "cured". but i did not berate myself for binging. as i go deeper within myself, this desire to numb and to medicate will probably only be stronger because the emotions are more intense and the possibility of hurt more real. but i think i know myself better now, after this experience. and i know now what that feeling is - to not worry about anything, really. to have hope and a sense of community and connectedness to the pain and joy of others.

i feel like i am part of that chain and can access it again if i try. i can step back and reenter into that lodge, even if i am in new york. one day maybe i'll live in a permanent sense of lightness and with a lack of clutter in my mind, but for now i still strive. and i know i'm not the only one.