turning over a new leaf...

...or possibly it's just the other side of the same leaf. who knows?

anyway, i went to a meeting (formulated after alcoholics anonymous) for ED people on sunday. it was riddled with religious intonations, but other than that, was an interesting experience. it was the first time i've ever been in a situation where people just talk openly - and so matter-of-factly - about their ED experience. i spoke just for a minute, and said that i'm not sure if that's the right place for me, i don't know if i'm ready to give up the binge/purge/starve/binge cycle because it's my drug. it's how i cope with anxiety, depression, the shit that my life throws at me.

but things had been really bad the week before i went. spring break was pretty hard. both my roommates were gone, which means i had the apt to myself. and so, like usual, i became something of a hermit. binged and purged and starved myself. on wed the OAOA came over - we drank rum and had great sex - but i had binged so hardcore the previous day that i was more concerned with how i looked naked than anything else. the next day, a friend of mine from d.c. called saying he was in town and did i want to meet up to go clubbing? of course! until i got home and ate so much i thought my stomach would actually rupture. so i canceled on him. these are the reasons that i do want to be done with this. i eat and eat and can't even be involved in my own social life. i cancel on friends and am too preoccupied with body image/what i've eaten to be present with anybody.

on friday i didn't eat until nighttime when i started to binge. i felt it coming on. and then something clicked, or snapped. and i started just looking for something else. doing online research for support groups, i read an excerpt from one of geneen roth's books, i was ready to reach out to get help. which is something i've never done before (other than therapy, which is honestly rather disenchanting...) i felt like i was ready to be done with things.

i didn't binge saturday or sunday. yesterday was monday and i ate more or less normally (or whatever normal is for me!) and then this morning i had a mini-binge, but i don't think all is lost. i've been cranky and frustrated and angry at myself over these past days, because without food to mask things, all i have is myself and my emotions. it's really f-ing hard. which is why i don't want to give this up.

so it's a constant battle between wanting it and not wanting it, between having the energy to fight it and just giving up. i don't think i'm ready to just give up yet. but i really can't think about the long term. if i think that, right now, sitting here on my bed, i am ok. right now i don't need to eat something. (even though i feel like i could totally raid the entire fridge and eat every last drop of food in the house!) i can just sit here for this minute and finish this entry, move on to the rest of my school work, maybe work on my thesis a bit, and i don't need to have food to do that.

if i think that way, maybe i can get through today. and then maybe tomorrow. but i'll cross that bridge when i come to it.

the irony of this all is that in trying to get over my food issues and in trying to eat normally, i think i think more about food than i ever have. it has occupied my mind even more intensely over these past few days than it did before. because before, i would eat to numb myself. before i was stuck in the vicious cycle of eat/numb/freak out/purge/binge/get anxious/eat/numb... etc etc etc.

and now for these past few days, i'm trying to not do that. and in addition, i'm trying not to hate myself for every little thing i do eat, and also not to hold myself up to impossible standards of perfection. like this morning and my mini-binge: it's not the end of the world. i don't have to give in to the 'fuck it' mentality that i've already screwed up, might as well go buy out a grocery store, and start again tomorrow. i start again right now. and in this moment, i am ok. in this moment, i can just be here and i don't need food for that.

the addictiveness of sugar

one hour since my last post. i guess i like to start things off with a bang. i'm supposed to go to a friend's birthday party that starts in about an hour, but my head is completely preoccupied with everything i've eaten today.

you know when you get that completely numb feeling and can't really concentrate on anything else. it's like a post-meal drunkenness that just takes over everything. except this one has lasted for the past seven or eight hours. and how am i supposed to go partying when i have a stomach full of binge food.

about a week ago i started on an effort to give up sugar. there's this great website, first ourselves, that talks about eating disorders and body image distortion that i've been reading recently. the woman who runs the site talks about her addiction to sugar and the way that sugar affects her body. i've always believed that disordered eating is just as much an addiction as an alcohol addiction or a nasty coke habit, and the similarities i see in myself and in what she says on this website really lead me to believe that sugar might be my crack. the need to eat more and more once i start. fantasizing about cakes and cookies and ice cream and icing. not being able to stop once i start, and the almost hung over feeling i get after a good long binge. yeah, i'm pretty sure sugar is my crack.

giving up sugar is not easy. ever since i've become more aware of sugar and the amount of sugar normally in my diet, it seems like it's everywhere. people are obsessed with it. our culture would probably cease to function as we know it without those wonderful little crystals. every bodega and café and train station and restaurant pushes sugar and sugar-laden sweets at you to the point where it's practically impossible to avoid. and it's been really hard.

sometimes i wonder if this is just another way that i've been trying to control my eating. the sort of situation where i make deals with myself. example: "ok, peggy. you can eat xyz today but you're not eating for the rest of the day." or: "fine. you binged all day today, you're not eating tomorrow or the next day." when i put it on paper (or on the screen as it may be) the entire situation sounds absolutely ridiculous. to tell myself i can't eat just because i ate too much one day? it's pure absurdity.

but hey, life wouldn't be interesting if we didn't each have a mountain to climb. i'm just waiting for the view at the top!