...or possibly it's just the other side of the same leaf. who knows?
anyway, i went to a meeting (formulated after alcoholics anonymous) for ED people on sunday. it was riddled with religious intonations, but other than that, was an interesting experience. it was the first time i've ever been in a situation where people just talk openly - and so matter-of-factly - about their ED experience. i spoke just for a minute, and said that i'm not sure if that's the right place for me, i don't know if i'm ready to give up the binge/purge/starve/binge cycle because it's my drug. it's how i cope with anxiety, depression, the shit that my life throws at me.
but things had been really bad the week before i went. spring break was pretty hard. both my roommates were gone, which means i had the apt to myself. and so, like usual, i became something of a hermit. binged and purged and starved myself. on wed the OAOA came over - we drank rum and had great sex - but i had binged so hardcore the previous day that i was more concerned with how i looked naked than anything else. the next day, a friend of mine from d.c. called saying he was in town and did i want to meet up to go clubbing? of course! until i got home and ate so much i thought my stomach would actually rupture. so i canceled on him. these are the reasons that i do want to be done with this. i eat and eat and can't even be involved in my own social life. i cancel on friends and am too preoccupied with body image/what i've eaten to be present with anybody.
on friday i didn't eat until nighttime when i started to binge. i felt it coming on. and then something clicked, or snapped. and i started just looking for something else. doing online research for support groups, i read an excerpt from one of geneen roth's books, i was ready to reach out to get help. which is something i've never done before (other than therapy, which is honestly rather disenchanting...) i felt like i was ready to be done with things.
i didn't binge saturday or sunday. yesterday was monday and i ate more or less normally (or whatever normal is for me!) and then this morning i had a mini-binge, but i don't think all is lost. i've been cranky and frustrated and angry at myself over these past days, because without food to mask things, all i have is myself and my emotions. it's really f-ing hard. which is why i don't want to give this up.
so it's a constant battle between wanting it and not wanting it, between having the energy to fight it and just giving up. i don't think i'm ready to just give up yet. but i really can't think about the long term. if i think that, right now, sitting here on my bed, i am ok. right now i don't need to eat something. (even though i feel like i could totally raid the entire fridge and eat every last drop of food in the house!) i can just sit here for this minute and finish this entry, move on to the rest of my school work, maybe work on my thesis a bit, and i don't need to have food to do that.
if i think that way, maybe i can get through today. and then maybe tomorrow. but i'll cross that bridge when i come to it.
the irony of this all is that in trying to get over my food issues and in trying to eat normally, i think i think more about food than i ever have. it has occupied my mind even more intensely over these past few days than it did before. because before, i would eat to numb myself. before i was stuck in the vicious cycle of eat/numb/freak out/purge/binge/get anxious/eat/numb... etc etc etc.
and now for these past few days, i'm trying to not do that. and in addition, i'm trying not to hate myself for every little thing i do eat, and also not to hold myself up to impossible standards of perfection. like this morning and my mini-binge: it's not the end of the world. i don't have to give in to the 'fuck it' mentality that i've already screwed up, might as well go buy out a grocery store, and start again tomorrow. i start again right now. and in this moment, i am ok. in this moment, i can just be here and i don't need food for that.
Showing posts with label highs and lows. Show all posts
Showing posts with label highs and lows. Show all posts
25 March 2008
16 March 2008
sitting in the corner of my room...
it's been way too long since i've been here.
so much has happened yet i don't really feel the need to update anything because i'm back where i always am. the proverbial vicious cycle that is my life is back in full swing, and i'm sitting here, resentful. the other day in my german lit class we were talking about nietzsche and thomas mann and kafka and the question was posed whether man has free will or is predestined: ein Schicksal oder das frei Wille?
sometimes i believe in one more than the other, but in the end, i'm not sure it really matters. the choices we make, whether it is us that makes them or some higher power that ordains this upon us, i do believe that everything happens for a reason - no matter how fucked up that reason may be.
it is five minutes before midnight and i am realizing that i will wake up tomorrow with the repercussions of what i did today. and by did, i mean ate. i feel sick. same old story. i took a bunch of laxitives and maybe it makes me feel better to purge to a certain extent, but i am so sick of this life. so sick of living the same day and the same experiences over and over again. i told myself i was going to "detox" this week - i'm on spring break, and what a perfect opportunity for some introspection? well it's not starting out too well. mostly because by detox, i secretly meant to starve myself while drinking a lot of peppermint and ginger tea in order to lose the weight i've put on over the past few days from bingeing.
the other day i was at lunch with some girlfriends and heard a friend of mine talk about a friend of hers who has food issues - and from what this girl was saying, pretty much like what i have. and the way she spoke about it, almost with respect for the path that this girl must travel and what she must go through every day, made me want so badly to be able to talk to her about my own issues. and maybe i will. i was so close to being ready to tell this guy about my shit - we were on the brink of dating, you could say - and then he decided his own emotional issues that were coming up from a previous relationship he had been in, were just too much and he can't do the whole relationship thing again right now. except the way he did this was basically to ignore me, and upon my own insistance and grovelling, practically, we got together and had an actual conversation about it. and i haven't heard from him since, whence i deduct his decision to not want a relationship. regardless. i was so close to telling him, or to wanting to tell him. to wanting someone to know so that i don't have to do this all alone. it's so hard to go through life as if in a bubble, and that's what i've been doing my entire life.
so spring break. starting off with a bang. and by a bang, i mean one of the worst binges i've had in a really really long time. and now i'm realizing i won't wake up tomorrow without the consequences of this. and it might take a few days for me to not have the consequences of this - physically. but then again, the physical consequences are almost secondary to what goes through my head. i just wish i could overcome. wish i could like one normal day so i would know what it's like. good god i wish i knew what that was like...
so much has happened yet i don't really feel the need to update anything because i'm back where i always am. the proverbial vicious cycle that is my life is back in full swing, and i'm sitting here, resentful. the other day in my german lit class we were talking about nietzsche and thomas mann and kafka and the question was posed whether man has free will or is predestined: ein Schicksal oder das frei Wille?
sometimes i believe in one more than the other, but in the end, i'm not sure it really matters. the choices we make, whether it is us that makes them or some higher power that ordains this upon us, i do believe that everything happens for a reason - no matter how fucked up that reason may be.
it is five minutes before midnight and i am realizing that i will wake up tomorrow with the repercussions of what i did today. and by did, i mean ate. i feel sick. same old story. i took a bunch of laxitives and maybe it makes me feel better to purge to a certain extent, but i am so sick of this life. so sick of living the same day and the same experiences over and over again. i told myself i was going to "detox" this week - i'm on spring break, and what a perfect opportunity for some introspection? well it's not starting out too well. mostly because by detox, i secretly meant to starve myself while drinking a lot of peppermint and ginger tea in order to lose the weight i've put on over the past few days from bingeing.
the other day i was at lunch with some girlfriends and heard a friend of mine talk about a friend of hers who has food issues - and from what this girl was saying, pretty much like what i have. and the way she spoke about it, almost with respect for the path that this girl must travel and what she must go through every day, made me want so badly to be able to talk to her about my own issues. and maybe i will. i was so close to being ready to tell this guy about my shit - we were on the brink of dating, you could say - and then he decided his own emotional issues that were coming up from a previous relationship he had been in, were just too much and he can't do the whole relationship thing again right now. except the way he did this was basically to ignore me, and upon my own insistance and grovelling, practically, we got together and had an actual conversation about it. and i haven't heard from him since, whence i deduct his decision to not want a relationship. regardless. i was so close to telling him, or to wanting to tell him. to wanting someone to know so that i don't have to do this all alone. it's so hard to go through life as if in a bubble, and that's what i've been doing my entire life.
so spring break. starting off with a bang. and by a bang, i mean one of the worst binges i've had in a really really long time. and now i'm realizing i won't wake up tomorrow without the consequences of this. and it might take a few days for me to not have the consequences of this - physically. but then again, the physical consequences are almost secondary to what goes through my head. i just wish i could overcome. wish i could like one normal day so i would know what it's like. good god i wish i knew what that was like...
29 October 2007
sweating and healing
in the spirit of changing and starting over and trying to shed myself of the things in my life that no longer serve me, i spent the weekend (with my cell phone turned off!!) in the country, taking part in a sweat lodge.
with about 20 other people, we sat in a pitch black wood-framed blanket covered 5ft tall lodge and we sweat. basically we built the biggest hottest fire i've ever built and in the fire were 32 rocks, dedicated to different spirits and to our intentions for the lodge. i dedicated mine to the power of dance - to be able to move fluidly through life with conviction and intention, yet with joy. to be able to dance on my demons is something i strive towards every day.
after the rocks in the fire are red hot (seriously. hot enough that most of them split into pieces!) we undressed as far as we were comfortable, got into the lodge, and the rocks were brought in. the water pourer douses them with water to fill the lodge with hot steam, and for four rounds (8 rocks at a time) we sat and chanted and prayed and healed and emoted and sweat and sweat and sweat.
this was one of the most powerful things i have ever experienced. the first round was dedicated to our inner child. to reconnect with him or her and to ask that small child what s/he needed or wanted or desired. as many times as i have tried to connect with that part of me, i have never been in a community and heard other people talk about their inner child. it is so amazing to observe and hear that other people struggle with the same things that i do. that i am not the only being in this universe to feel abandoned, alone, hopeless, depressed, silenced, undeserving and under-appreciated.
all of the negative in me i was able to externalize.
the second round was dedicated to the period of our lives from 7 to 15. it was really hard to figure out how to succinctly word my desires for this part of my being. to send away the pain and suffering and struggles i went through, and to be able to ask for something else was amazing. i can't remember exactly what i said, but i know that it felt right. and honest. none of this "please relieve me of.." or "take away the pain of..." but to banish or send away the things that no longer serve us in this life was an amazing opportunity.
in the third round, we all spoke simultaneously about our adult lives. just to continue to send away the extraneous and ask for strength in the necessary. and the fourth round was dedicated to our "elder" self. speaking from a future point of view as if we were looking back on our child, adolescent and adult lives. joining those three parts of our being into one positive powerful being.
one thing i said was that i was thankful for the pain and struggling and suffering i have in my life because it has given me the opportunity to know myself better. the opportunity to go deeper into myself and to discover who i am and who i want to be. and i truly am grateful for that.
after the experience of the lodge, there was a lightness in my heart. in my entire being. my mind seemed clearer and less cluttered. i had a light smile on my face and laughter came easily. today i am back in new york. things are back to normal and after a binge this morning i know that i am not suddenly "cured". but i did not berate myself for binging. as i go deeper within myself, this desire to numb and to medicate will probably only be stronger because the emotions are more intense and the possibility of hurt more real. but i think i know myself better now, after this experience. and i know now what that feeling is - to not worry about anything, really. to have hope and a sense of community and connectedness to the pain and joy of others.
i feel like i am part of that chain and can access it again if i try. i can step back and reenter into that lodge, even if i am in new york. one day maybe i'll live in a permanent sense of lightness and with a lack of clutter in my mind, but for now i still strive. and i know i'm not the only one.
with about 20 other people, we sat in a pitch black wood-framed blanket covered 5ft tall lodge and we sweat. basically we built the biggest hottest fire i've ever built and in the fire were 32 rocks, dedicated to different spirits and to our intentions for the lodge. i dedicated mine to the power of dance - to be able to move fluidly through life with conviction and intention, yet with joy. to be able to dance on my demons is something i strive towards every day.
after the rocks in the fire are red hot (seriously. hot enough that most of them split into pieces!) we undressed as far as we were comfortable, got into the lodge, and the rocks were brought in. the water pourer douses them with water to fill the lodge with hot steam, and for four rounds (8 rocks at a time) we sat and chanted and prayed and healed and emoted and sweat and sweat and sweat.
this was one of the most powerful things i have ever experienced. the first round was dedicated to our inner child. to reconnect with him or her and to ask that small child what s/he needed or wanted or desired. as many times as i have tried to connect with that part of me, i have never been in a community and heard other people talk about their inner child. it is so amazing to observe and hear that other people struggle with the same things that i do. that i am not the only being in this universe to feel abandoned, alone, hopeless, depressed, silenced, undeserving and under-appreciated.
all of the negative in me i was able to externalize.
the second round was dedicated to the period of our lives from 7 to 15. it was really hard to figure out how to succinctly word my desires for this part of my being. to send away the pain and suffering and struggles i went through, and to be able to ask for something else was amazing. i can't remember exactly what i said, but i know that it felt right. and honest. none of this "please relieve me of.." or "take away the pain of..." but to banish or send away the things that no longer serve us in this life was an amazing opportunity.
in the third round, we all spoke simultaneously about our adult lives. just to continue to send away the extraneous and ask for strength in the necessary. and the fourth round was dedicated to our "elder" self. speaking from a future point of view as if we were looking back on our child, adolescent and adult lives. joining those three parts of our being into one positive powerful being.
one thing i said was that i was thankful for the pain and struggling and suffering i have in my life because it has given me the opportunity to know myself better. the opportunity to go deeper into myself and to discover who i am and who i want to be. and i truly am grateful for that.
after the experience of the lodge, there was a lightness in my heart. in my entire being. my mind seemed clearer and less cluttered. i had a light smile on my face and laughter came easily. today i am back in new york. things are back to normal and after a binge this morning i know that i am not suddenly "cured". but i did not berate myself for binging. as i go deeper within myself, this desire to numb and to medicate will probably only be stronger because the emotions are more intense and the possibility of hurt more real. but i think i know myself better now, after this experience. and i know now what that feeling is - to not worry about anything, really. to have hope and a sense of community and connectedness to the pain and joy of others.
i feel like i am part of that chain and can access it again if i try. i can step back and reenter into that lodge, even if i am in new york. one day maybe i'll live in a permanent sense of lightness and with a lack of clutter in my mind, but for now i still strive. and i know i'm not the only one.
09 October 2007
the highs and the lows
it's funny how you can feel so amazing. just sitting there, telling myself exactly that. coming home on subway at 5:30 am with some of my best friends, having had an incredible weekend (albeit a bit crazy and completely exhausting) and then it only takes one little tiny thing to bring me down.
on sunday afternoon, i met up with a friend and her sister who just moved to the city. and her sister has got to be a size -4. the girl is tiny. i had been feeling fabulous, and just two or three hours with these girls, comparing myself to this stick, and i go home and i binge. and i eat and eat and eat and eat. and it didn't stop. i went to bed on sunday and got up on monday and continued. i don't even know how much i at over that 24 hour period (not even, more like 16 or 18 hours) but now i feel like shit.
i woke up this morning just wanting to crawl into bed (i still do!) and not have to face the world. it's amazing how much just one little thing like that can screw up an entire day or week.
i finally start therapy today; how à propos. although honestly, i'm feeling so completely resistant at this point, i wish i could put it off another day or 7. i'm really angry at myself. like really really really angry. why did i have to go and fuck up like that??!?!? that's my big question. and it always is: why do i always have to fuck things up?
ok, so i'm being a bit melodramatic right now, but this is how i feel. and now i'm supposed to try and get work done??? right. good luck me.
(hopefully i come back and read this post in an hour and laugh at how shitty i'm feeling now because i won't feel that way anymore!)
on sunday afternoon, i met up with a friend and her sister who just moved to the city. and her sister has got to be a size -4. the girl is tiny. i had been feeling fabulous, and just two or three hours with these girls, comparing myself to this stick, and i go home and i binge. and i eat and eat and eat and eat. and it didn't stop. i went to bed on sunday and got up on monday and continued. i don't even know how much i at over that 24 hour period (not even, more like 16 or 18 hours) but now i feel like shit.
i woke up this morning just wanting to crawl into bed (i still do!) and not have to face the world. it's amazing how much just one little thing like that can screw up an entire day or week.
i finally start therapy today; how à propos. although honestly, i'm feeling so completely resistant at this point, i wish i could put it off another day or 7. i'm really angry at myself. like really really really angry. why did i have to go and fuck up like that??!?!? that's my big question. and it always is: why do i always have to fuck things up?
ok, so i'm being a bit melodramatic right now, but this is how i feel. and now i'm supposed to try and get work done??? right. good luck me.
(hopefully i come back and read this post in an hour and laugh at how shitty i'm feeling now because i won't feel that way anymore!)
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