keeping my head above water is i guess all i'm really trying to do now. to avoid completely falling apart. to have one day of normal eating.
today was ok, although affected by a huge binge yesterday night so i wasn't hungry most of the day. though i ate dinner - late at night too, which is a huge thing for me! - and i don't (as of right now) feel any binge tendencies.
my intake therapist called and i'll probably have a therapist by next week. thank god too. because i need some grounding.
i'm on some sort of stream of consciousness thing right now and i don't even really know what i'm thinking. my brain is pretty much mush right now. end of the week - tons of work, tons of stress.
so this guy that i like to call my oaoa (on again off again) totally stood me up tonight. we were supposed to get together for drinks (i called him yesterday after telling myself i wouldn't be the one to call him, i'd see if he ever called me..) and he told me to give him a ring when i was done for the day. so i did. three or four times. he didn't pick up, didn't call back. i think i need to delete him from my phone. he has always been more important to me and in my life than i have been to him. the relationship has never been equal. i knew this from the get go, but told myself i wouldn't get attached. until i did. and i've known for a while now that i should just end things. but i haven't. so now i think i really just need to take the number out of my phone. i can't keep having someone around that continuously makes me feel like shit.
enough about relationships. enough about guys. it's gotta start being about me now. i have to stop dealing with issues with other people, guys, friends, school, and just deal with me. if only i could just delete everything else for a hot minute and deal with me. fix my problems, fix me.
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
27 September 2007
18 September 2007
tuesdays suck.
not all tuesdays. pretty much just tuesdays when i'm depressed and cold because the weather is changing and i feel like i can't get out of my head.
in the end it's nothing specific to a tuesday, just today. yesterday felt like a vacation from myself and today feels like a return to reality. i'm trapped in this prison between my skull and it is slowly sucking away at my life force. i'm unproductive, tired, lethargic, depressed, moody etc etc etc. doesn't help that i only got 6 hours of sleep and woke up at 2am and 4am, i'm on my period, and have more work than you could shake a stick at. (and that's a lot.)
i love what i'm studying, it's just so completely overwhelming me, and with all this other bullshit ruminating around, it feels like i'm on a never-ending upward slope.
on the plus side, two of my best girlfriends are coming to visit from d.c. and detroit in the beginning of october (only 16 more days!) and a couple other friends might be coming that weekend too. we were all in senegal together so it would basically be the hugest reunion ever - full of ceebu jën, ataya, café touba and all things sénégalais!
i went and had a smoke break with becky between paper writing and class today. she is seriously my sanity. it might be because she's a social worker and can totally see through my bullshit (which is good and bad - bad when she calls me on shit that i would rather her not call me on. like when she tells me that my recent weight loss made her have a nervous breakdown when she saw me for the first time in a while and tells me she knows how much i struggle with disordered eating and is worried that things aren't ok. that made me, in turn, spiral into an enormous binge. but that's not about her, after all...) anyway, smoking and chatting and her telling me that it's not worth it to break my back for all this school bullshit. what's the point? she asked me. i guess there isn't really one. it's all just pressure i put on myself. bizarre standards i set for myself that are a little bit insane, but i feel like i can't back down and can't back out and should be able to handle all this.
i think i can handle it. it might make me a bit insane, but then again, it's only a few months. i guess the question is the opportunity cost of it all. i can handle it, but should i be doing this to myself? what other options do i have?? i tell myself that next semester i'm totally not taking a full course load, but i wonder if i'll be able to stick to that promise to myself.
for now, i'm just going to look at things like an alcoholic. one day at a time. and when that's too much, one hour. i don't have to shoulder this all alone, and soon enough, i'll be back in therapy!! (never thought i would be so happy to say those words...)
in the end it's nothing specific to a tuesday, just today. yesterday felt like a vacation from myself and today feels like a return to reality. i'm trapped in this prison between my skull and it is slowly sucking away at my life force. i'm unproductive, tired, lethargic, depressed, moody etc etc etc. doesn't help that i only got 6 hours of sleep and woke up at 2am and 4am, i'm on my period, and have more work than you could shake a stick at. (and that's a lot.)
i love what i'm studying, it's just so completely overwhelming me, and with all this other bullshit ruminating around, it feels like i'm on a never-ending upward slope.
on the plus side, two of my best girlfriends are coming to visit from d.c. and detroit in the beginning of october (only 16 more days!) and a couple other friends might be coming that weekend too. we were all in senegal together so it would basically be the hugest reunion ever - full of ceebu jën, ataya, café touba and all things sénégalais!
i went and had a smoke break with becky between paper writing and class today. she is seriously my sanity. it might be because she's a social worker and can totally see through my bullshit (which is good and bad - bad when she calls me on shit that i would rather her not call me on. like when she tells me that my recent weight loss made her have a nervous breakdown when she saw me for the first time in a while and tells me she knows how much i struggle with disordered eating and is worried that things aren't ok. that made me, in turn, spiral into an enormous binge. but that's not about her, after all...) anyway, smoking and chatting and her telling me that it's not worth it to break my back for all this school bullshit. what's the point? she asked me. i guess there isn't really one. it's all just pressure i put on myself. bizarre standards i set for myself that are a little bit insane, but i feel like i can't back down and can't back out and should be able to handle all this.
i think i can handle it. it might make me a bit insane, but then again, it's only a few months. i guess the question is the opportunity cost of it all. i can handle it, but should i be doing this to myself? what other options do i have?? i tell myself that next semester i'm totally not taking a full course load, but i wonder if i'll be able to stick to that promise to myself.
for now, i'm just going to look at things like an alcoholic. one day at a time. and when that's too much, one hour. i don't have to shoulder this all alone, and soon enough, i'll be back in therapy!! (never thought i would be so happy to say those words...)
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