sitting in the corner of my room...

it's been way too long since i've been here.

so much has happened yet i don't really feel the need to update anything because i'm back where i always am. the proverbial vicious cycle that is my life is back in full swing, and i'm sitting here, resentful. the other day in my german lit class we were talking about nietzsche and thomas mann and kafka and the question was posed whether man has free will or is predestined: ein Schicksal oder das frei Wille?

sometimes i believe in one more than the other, but in the end, i'm not sure it really matters. the choices we make, whether it is us that makes them or some higher power that ordains this upon us, i do believe that everything happens for a reason - no matter how fucked up that reason may be.

it is five minutes before midnight and i am realizing that i will wake up tomorrow with the repercussions of what i did today. and by did, i mean ate. i feel sick. same old story. i took a bunch of laxitives and maybe it makes me feel better to purge to a certain extent, but i am so sick of this life. so sick of living the same day and the same experiences over and over again. i told myself i was going to "detox" this week - i'm on spring break, and what a perfect opportunity for some introspection? well it's not starting out too well. mostly because by detox, i secretly meant to starve myself while drinking a lot of peppermint and ginger tea in order to lose the weight i've put on over the past few days from bingeing.

the other day i was at lunch with some girlfriends and heard a friend of mine talk about a friend of hers who has food issues - and from what this girl was saying, pretty much like what i have. and the way she spoke about it, almost with respect for the path that this girl must travel and what she must go through every day, made me want so badly to be able to talk to her about my own issues. and maybe i will. i was so close to being ready to tell this guy about my shit - we were on the brink of dating, you could say - and then he decided his own emotional issues that were coming up from a previous relationship he had been in, were just too much and he can't do the whole relationship thing again right now. except the way he did this was basically to ignore me, and upon my own insistance and grovelling, practically, we got together and had an actual conversation about it. and i haven't heard from him since, whence i deduct his decision to not want a relationship. regardless. i was so close to telling him, or to wanting to tell him. to wanting someone to know so that i don't have to do this all alone. it's so hard to go through life as if in a bubble, and that's what i've been doing my entire life.

so spring break. starting off with a bang. and by a bang, i mean one of the worst binges i've had in a really really long time. and now i'm realizing i won't wake up tomorrow without the consequences of this. and it might take a few days for me to not have the consequences of this - physically. but then again, the physical consequences are almost secondary to what goes through my head. i just wish i could overcome. wish i could like one normal day so i would know what it's like. good god i wish i knew what that was like...

the range of bad days

keeping my head above water is i guess all i'm really trying to do now. to avoid completely falling apart. to have one day of normal eating.

today was ok, although affected by a huge binge yesterday night so i wasn't hungry most of the day. though i ate dinner - late at night too, which is a huge thing for me! - and i don't (as of right now) feel any binge tendencies.

my intake therapist called and i'll probably have a therapist by next week. thank god too. because i need some grounding.

i'm on some sort of stream of consciousness thing right now and i don't even really know what i'm thinking. my brain is pretty much mush right now. end of the week - tons of work, tons of stress.

so this guy that i like to call my oaoa (on again off again) totally stood me up tonight. we were supposed to get together for drinks (i called him yesterday after telling myself i wouldn't be the one to call him, i'd see if he ever called me..) and he told me to give him a ring when i was done for the day. so i did. three or four times. he didn't pick up, didn't call back. i think i need to delete him from my phone. he has always been more important to me and in my life than i have been to him. the relationship has never been equal. i knew this from the get go, but told myself i wouldn't get attached. until i did. and i've known for a while now that i should just end things. but i haven't. so now i think i really just need to take the number out of my phone. i can't keep having someone around that continuously makes me feel like shit.

enough about relationships. enough about guys. it's gotta start being about me now. i have to stop dealing with issues with other people, guys, friends, school, and just deal with me. if only i could just delete everything else for a hot minute and deal with me. fix my problems, fix me.