sitting in the corner of my room...

it's been way too long since i've been here.

so much has happened yet i don't really feel the need to update anything because i'm back where i always am. the proverbial vicious cycle that is my life is back in full swing, and i'm sitting here, resentful. the other day in my german lit class we were talking about nietzsche and thomas mann and kafka and the question was posed whether man has free will or is predestined: ein Schicksal oder das frei Wille?

sometimes i believe in one more than the other, but in the end, i'm not sure it really matters. the choices we make, whether it is us that makes them or some higher power that ordains this upon us, i do believe that everything happens for a reason - no matter how fucked up that reason may be.

it is five minutes before midnight and i am realizing that i will wake up tomorrow with the repercussions of what i did today. and by did, i mean ate. i feel sick. same old story. i took a bunch of laxitives and maybe it makes me feel better to purge to a certain extent, but i am so sick of this life. so sick of living the same day and the same experiences over and over again. i told myself i was going to "detox" this week - i'm on spring break, and what a perfect opportunity for some introspection? well it's not starting out too well. mostly because by detox, i secretly meant to starve myself while drinking a lot of peppermint and ginger tea in order to lose the weight i've put on over the past few days from bingeing.

the other day i was at lunch with some girlfriends and heard a friend of mine talk about a friend of hers who has food issues - and from what this girl was saying, pretty much like what i have. and the way she spoke about it, almost with respect for the path that this girl must travel and what she must go through every day, made me want so badly to be able to talk to her about my own issues. and maybe i will. i was so close to being ready to tell this guy about my shit - we were on the brink of dating, you could say - and then he decided his own emotional issues that were coming up from a previous relationship he had been in, were just too much and he can't do the whole relationship thing again right now. except the way he did this was basically to ignore me, and upon my own insistance and grovelling, practically, we got together and had an actual conversation about it. and i haven't heard from him since, whence i deduct his decision to not want a relationship. regardless. i was so close to telling him, or to wanting to tell him. to wanting someone to know so that i don't have to do this all alone. it's so hard to go through life as if in a bubble, and that's what i've been doing my entire life.

so spring break. starting off with a bang. and by a bang, i mean one of the worst binges i've had in a really really long time. and now i'm realizing i won't wake up tomorrow without the consequences of this. and it might take a few days for me to not have the consequences of this - physically. but then again, the physical consequences are almost secondary to what goes through my head. i just wish i could overcome. wish i could like one normal day so i would know what it's like. good god i wish i knew what that was like...

tuesdays suck.

not all tuesdays. pretty much just tuesdays when i'm depressed and cold because the weather is changing and i feel like i can't get out of my head.

in the end it's nothing specific to a tuesday, just today. yesterday felt like a vacation from myself and today feels like a return to reality. i'm trapped in this prison between my skull and it is slowly sucking away at my life force. i'm unproductive, tired, lethargic, depressed, moody etc etc etc. doesn't help that i only got 6 hours of sleep and woke up at 2am and 4am, i'm on my period, and have more work than you could shake a stick at. (and that's a lot.)

i love what i'm studying, it's just so completely overwhelming me, and with all this other bullshit ruminating around, it feels like i'm on a never-ending upward slope.

on the plus side, two of my best girlfriends are coming to visit from d.c. and detroit in the beginning of october (only 16 more days!) and a couple other friends might be coming that weekend too. we were all in senegal together so it would basically be the hugest reunion ever - full of ceebu jën, ataya, café touba and all things sénégalais!

i went and had a smoke break with becky between paper writing and class today. she is seriously my sanity. it might be because she's a social worker and can totally see through my bullshit (which is good and bad - bad when she calls me on shit that i would rather her not call me on. like when she tells me that my recent weight loss made her have a nervous breakdown when she saw me for the first time in a while and tells me she knows how much i struggle with disordered eating and is worried that things aren't ok. that made me, in turn, spiral into an enormous binge. but that's not about her, after all...) anyway, smoking and chatting and her telling me that it's not worth it to break my back for all this school bullshit. what's the point? she asked me. i guess there isn't really one. it's all just pressure i put on myself. bizarre standards i set for myself that are a little bit insane, but i feel like i can't back down and can't back out and should be able to handle all this.

i think i can handle it. it might make me a bit insane, but then again, it's only a few months. i guess the question is the opportunity cost of it all. i can handle it, but should i be doing this to myself? what other options do i have?? i tell myself that next semester i'm totally not taking a full course load, but i wonder if i'll be able to stick to that promise to myself.

for now, i'm just going to look at things like an alcoholic. one day at a time. and when that's too much, one hour. i don't have to shoulder this all alone, and soon enough, i'll be back in therapy!! (never thought i would be so happy to say those words...)