sweating and healing

in the spirit of changing and starting over and trying to shed myself of the things in my life that no longer serve me, i spent the weekend (with my cell phone turned off!!) in the country, taking part in a sweat lodge.

with about 20 other people, we sat in a pitch black wood-framed blanket covered 5ft tall lodge and we sweat. basically we built the biggest hottest fire i've ever built and in the fire were 32 rocks, dedicated to different spirits and to our intentions for the lodge. i dedicated mine to the power of dance - to be able to move fluidly through life with conviction and intention, yet with joy. to be able to dance on my demons is something i strive towards every day.

after the rocks in the fire are red hot (seriously. hot enough that most of them split into pieces!) we undressed as far as we were comfortable, got into the lodge, and the rocks were brought in. the water pourer douses them with water to fill the lodge with hot steam, and for four rounds (8 rocks at a time) we sat and chanted and prayed and healed and emoted and sweat and sweat and sweat.

this was one of the most powerful things i have ever experienced. the first round was dedicated to our inner child. to reconnect with him or her and to ask that small child what s/he needed or wanted or desired. as many times as i have tried to connect with that part of me, i have never been in a community and heard other people talk about their inner child. it is so amazing to observe and hear that other people struggle with the same things that i do. that i am not the only being in this universe to feel abandoned, alone, hopeless, depressed, silenced, undeserving and under-appreciated.

all of the negative in me i was able to externalize.

the second round was dedicated to the period of our lives from 7 to 15. it was really hard to figure out how to succinctly word my desires for this part of my being. to send away the pain and suffering and struggles i went through, and to be able to ask for something else was amazing. i can't remember exactly what i said, but i know that it felt right. and honest. none of this "please relieve me of.." or "take away the pain of..." but to banish or send away the things that no longer serve us in this life was an amazing opportunity.

in the third round, we all spoke simultaneously about our adult lives. just to continue to send away the extraneous and ask for strength in the necessary. and the fourth round was dedicated to our "elder" self. speaking from a future point of view as if we were looking back on our child, adolescent and adult lives. joining those three parts of our being into one positive powerful being.

one thing i said was that i was thankful for the pain and struggling and suffering i have in my life because it has given me the opportunity to know myself better. the opportunity to go deeper into myself and to discover who i am and who i want to be. and i truly am grateful for that.

after the experience of the lodge, there was a lightness in my heart. in my entire being. my mind seemed clearer and less cluttered. i had a light smile on my face and laughter came easily. today i am back in new york. things are back to normal and after a binge this morning i know that i am not suddenly "cured". but i did not berate myself for binging. as i go deeper within myself, this desire to numb and to medicate will probably only be stronger because the emotions are more intense and the possibility of hurt more real. but i think i know myself better now, after this experience. and i know now what that feeling is - to not worry about anything, really. to have hope and a sense of community and connectedness to the pain and joy of others.

i feel like i am part of that chain and can access it again if i try. i can step back and reenter into that lodge, even if i am in new york. one day maybe i'll live in a permanent sense of lightness and with a lack of clutter in my mind, but for now i still strive. and i know i'm not the only one.

trusting ourselves

i'm 22 years old and have been struggling with disordered eating and distorted body image and such for about 10 years now. i fluctuate between extreme binge eating and starving myself (as a way to make up for all that i've eaten, or simply just because..) and struggle every day to have a day of "normal" eating. i am able to do it here and there, but i find the trusting myself part to be the hardest. today, for example, i was hungry at around 1:30. so i walked around the neighborhood I was in (i live in manhattan, so there's no lack of options for food!) trying to decide what i wanted to eat. Running through a list of all the possible foods I could ever want, there was nothing that really sounded good. i feel like i've been so entrenched in this for such a long time, i don't even know what i want anymore. i don't know how to trust myself or what that would even be like. i ended up eating some grilled vegetables, more because i know that i like them and know that you can't really go wrong with that than because it's what i really wanted.

every day i wake up thinking about what i should/could eat and what i might want to eat - but like i said, figuring out what i want is the biggest problem. i've squashed that voice in me for so long now, i don't even know what it sounds like anymore.

eating has become such a chore, a frustration. something else to figure out. whereas most people i know actually enjoy eating - picking something that sounds good, the taste of food is good to them. i barely taste food, and trying to pick something is usually hell. i've actually walked around a foodcourt before with over 40 restaurants, found absolutely nothing, and walked out.

i wonder if this voice - that silenced part of me that doesn't know how to speak up - manifests itself in other parts of my life. okay well i don't wonder too much, i know that it does. with guys, with my family, friends..school..everything. i become a people pleaser, a non-confrontational lover who doesn't know how to stick up for her own wants and desires, a friend who will go much further for people than is convenient or practical. and i don't complain.

a big step for me happened the other day, actually. i was able to talk to my current lover about some really big things in our relationship that were bothering me. but it all sort of happened by accident. he fucked up big time, and then came asking my forgiveness, allowing me to be upset. had he not come to me with the knowledge that he had screwed up, i wonder if i would have been able to voice my opinions, my problems with our relationship. had he not effectively created that space for me, would i have been able to do it myself? i guess i won't really know. but either way, i spoke up. i could have just glossed over it and said 'whatever, it's fine' but i told him how i felt. i guess we have to take baby steps in everything we do.

progress won't come in leaps and bounds, so i take every day as unique, as another chance.