you know when you have something on your mind and nothing else seems at all possible? i mean, you feel like you can't do anything except obsess and obsess and obsess. well, i've been obsessing. and usually all you need to get it off your mind is a good distraction. like a list of 17 books to find in the library, or an entire thesis to start researching. none of that seemed to work today.
not only am i still thinking about fred's visit - and my having to tell him that, while he is pretty much in love with me, i will never feel the same way about him - but also about the huge binge i went on yesterday and the day before, and the day before... i can't even begin to explain what a mind job this whole thing has been on me. fred, because i can't handle having someone love me. or even like me. the way i see myself and the disgust, even, i have for my own body makes it impossible for me to believe that someone else could find me attractive. as soon as a guy tells me he likes me/is attracted to me, i start thinking - even if only subconciously - 'what's wrong with this guy that he's actually attracted to me?!!??!' yeah, i know. deranged. and then there's the binge thing. they talk about the 7 steps of mourning. denial, a few other things, and then anger fits in there somewhere. i'm at the anger stage.
every time i binge, there's this immediate thought of incredulity that directly follows, and then there's just anger. how could i let this happen? AGAIN?? do i have no self control whatsoever? is there nothing i can do to stop myself from eating everything in sight; to the point where my stomach is hard and bulging and just hurts. hurts so bad i can barely move.
but enough of my self-berating misery. after ten years of dealing with disordered eating, i know all of the red flags and all of the mistakes, the signals and the things i should and shouldn't do. i can recognize the negative thinking, the feelings that'll bring on a binge and what i should or could, in theory, do to avoid it. but somehow that hasn't helped.
so i'm angry. why me? what is it about my life and the way i've grown up and who i've become that has made me this way? why can't i get over this, or at least get it in check. all i know is that i'm looking forward to starting therapy more than i've looked forward to something in a really long time.
i guess my goal for the week is to avoid falling back into the hole. because at least today, i managed to crawl my way out. ok so honestly, i don't know if i've crawled out all the way yet or if i'm digging myself back into this proverbial hole. but all metaphors aside, i can't afford to let my life be taken over by bingeing. this week is mine, not my eating disorder's. this week i need to get work done, go to school, do yoga, maybe even go for a run or a swim or something. i don't need to binge, i don't need to feel like shit about myself, i don't need to sabotage my life.
more joy, less shame.
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