terrified to succeed

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

-Marianne Williamson

i feel like this quote pretty much sums up my life. well, at least that third sentence. "who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" i am so terrified to being in the open, of being noticed, of being successful beyond measure that, more often than not, i sabotage my own success. i binge until i can't move, numbing out the possibility of any rational thought. i am so obsessed with body image and how i look and what i have eaten - it must be occupying at least 95% of my conscious thought!

instead of enabling my own success and trusting that i was "born to manifest the glory of God" or whatever higher power or spirit or soul that is within me, i enable only the part of me that wants to bring me down. the part that is terrified to succeed. because ultimately, success means you have something to lose. with every step higher you climb, that's just one more step further you could possibly fall.

i am at a point in my life where i have climbed really high. i'm finishing up school, writing my thesis, getting ready to graduate and to try to find a real job (make some money instead of just spending it all!) but not only that, i weigh less now than i have since i was probably about 14 years old. maybe even younger. over the past year i've lost about 50lbs and i like what i weigh. i'm happy(er) when i look in the mirror. i am glad to be able to go shopping and fit into clothes properly.

i am terrified of fucking it all up.

now that i weigh what is arguable an "ideal" weight for me, i feel like my disordered eating is rearing it's ugly head more than ever. i binge uncontrollably and freak out about ruining everything. i'm constantly paranoid that one extra bite of whatever it is i'm eating will make me instantly go back to weighing what i used to. ok, well i'm not that dumb, but i'm terrified that this is completely impermanent and that sooner or later i will step on the scale, realize that i lost track of things, and weigh again 50lbs more.

this is not necessarily a ridiculous line of thinking. yes, if i continue to binge and continue to eat way more than i should, i will gain weight. but that does not mean that i have to starve myself to make up for extra calories. nor does it mean that my entire life has to be devoted to thinking about what i ate, what i will eat, what i want to eat, what i can't eat, what i should eat, what i would eat ad nauseum infinae.

school deserves more thought than that. my social life deserves more thought than that, for god's sake a rock lying on the side of the road deserves more than that. i am torturing myself with this and i've had enough.

i wish i could say i'm getting better, but i just don't see it. i don't know exactly how i lost all the weight that i did, but the consequences are so bipolar it's unbelievable. who am i not to live up to all the potential i have?? who am i not to be brilliant and gorgeous and talented and fabulous??? these things do not preclude failures in my life and yes, failure hurts. but if i don't set myself up for failure and sabotage everything i do, at least then i have the chance to succeed. at least then, there's the possibility (no matter how slim) that i won't fail.