the addictiveness of sugar

one hour since my last post. i guess i like to start things off with a bang. i'm supposed to go to a friend's birthday party that starts in about an hour, but my head is completely preoccupied with everything i've eaten today.

you know when you get that completely numb feeling and can't really concentrate on anything else. it's like a post-meal drunkenness that just takes over everything. except this one has lasted for the past seven or eight hours. and how am i supposed to go partying when i have a stomach full of binge food.

about a week ago i started on an effort to give up sugar. there's this great website, first ourselves, that talks about eating disorders and body image distortion that i've been reading recently. the woman who runs the site talks about her addiction to sugar and the way that sugar affects her body. i've always believed that disordered eating is just as much an addiction as an alcohol addiction or a nasty coke habit, and the similarities i see in myself and in what she says on this website really lead me to believe that sugar might be my crack. the need to eat more and more once i start. fantasizing about cakes and cookies and ice cream and icing. not being able to stop once i start, and the almost hung over feeling i get after a good long binge. yeah, i'm pretty sure sugar is my crack.

giving up sugar is not easy. ever since i've become more aware of sugar and the amount of sugar normally in my diet, it seems like it's everywhere. people are obsessed with it. our culture would probably cease to function as we know it without those wonderful little crystals. every bodega and café and train station and restaurant pushes sugar and sugar-laden sweets at you to the point where it's practically impossible to avoid. and it's been really hard.

sometimes i wonder if this is just another way that i've been trying to control my eating. the sort of situation where i make deals with myself. example: "ok, peggy. you can eat xyz today but you're not eating for the rest of the day." or: "fine. you binged all day today, you're not eating tomorrow or the next day." when i put it on paper (or on the screen as it may be) the entire situation sounds absolutely ridiculous. to tell myself i can't eat just because i ate too much one day? it's pure absurdity.

but hey, life wouldn't be interesting if we didn't each have a mountain to climb. i'm just waiting for the view at the top!